~ Can Emotionally Unavailable Fall In Love With You? ~

A ‘relationship’ with emotionally unavailable is always a sudden On and a subsequent Off.

It is always a great time shared together and then a much longer lonelier time shared with your brandy bottle, suspended in an unknown.

On and Off acquaintance with emo unavailable can really last for years, if you both have separate fulfilled lives and don’t place a relationship or marriage at a top of your agenda.

You may simply appreciate each other’s presence around, stay in touch, share life views, interests and leisure activities, but you never talk about what you really feel for each other – is it love or something more abstract. Or how long and on what grounds you are going to continue together in future.

If a person you keep in projection is emotionally unavailable, make peace with the idea that he will have the hardest time attributing your relationship or ever making any concrete plans as for where it’s heading.

Do you both love each other? You might never know because none of you will tell first.

He won’t, because he is emotionally unavailable, and you won’t go first either because instinctively you know that if you do and tell him how you feel, he might get scared away and will probably fall into oblivion.

Emo unavailable man can be a real heartbreaker for an open romantic girl that searches a close sharing relationship.

But a woman that heard of being somewhat unavailable herself will have no problem sustaining years relationship with emo unavailable fellow.

People that don’t eagerly open up and share themselves with others may get to feel rather comfortable and effortless around those of the same kind.

There are no promises, no real commitment, and therefore no drama of unfulfilled expectations. You can handle a relationship with emo unavailable if a relationship is not something you are looking for.

Otherwise why dragging him into an arrangement you want for yourself and that poor guy is scared to death of?

And if you are involved with emo unavailable person, you probably do know so. It is not hard to identify him – if he is On and then Off, hot and then lukewarm, calls and then doesn’t, uses no sweet words or relationship labels – it means he is of unavailable kind.

You may handle Unavailable only if you yourself are not looking for a commitment or love him with unconditional love.

You may love that person simply as an entity and not the idea that he might give you an engagement or throw a wedding party.

You enjoy the excitement of each moment you spend together, and then go search emotional security elsewhere – in your job, pets, hobbies and self-development. Because unlike your unavailable darling, those darlings will still be there for you tomorrow.

With your emotionally unavailable you never know if there is that tomorrow. There is only yesterday rich on memories and a fast fleeting today.

Everything about him is volatile. The only constant thing is uncertainty. In fact, if you want to have him back, you should always be ready to let him go.

Once I picked a cat from the street that was a stunning male beauty of some wild mountain kind. I didn’t force him inside my house, he started coming by himself and has long been ‘asking’ me to take him in and give him some attention. I did and eventually got very attached to this cat, it was the sweetest, nicest cat’s personality I have ever met.

We got very close, he’d come visiting my house, staying a while, playing and cuddling, but then he’d always need to go out, again.

At times he would disappear for days or weeks, but then would always come back meowing loudly to me when he needed shelter, food and some love.

Then I knew it was mutual love and I decided to keep him at any cost. A vet told me that no matter how much my cat and I loved each other, I’d never be able to domesticate him.

I tried to keep him inside but it never worked, he would only get miserable.

I loved that cat and wanted the best for him, that’s why I’d always let him go. He broke my heart many times but taught me everything I need to know about felines.

You and your love and care alone don’t provide your felid a complete emotional security – your love and a cat flap do. No matter how much love, comfort and food you offer him beside you, he still needs his time alone to go and roam out in the dark and mud whenever he needs to.

Only when he feels that you are not holding him a trap, may he actually get comfortable to come closer to you.

Relationship with emo unavailable takes a lot of emotional investment on your part and doesn’t return you any emotional comfort back, except for some rare moments.

 It actually feels like emptying your account on roaming messages and knowing that none of them was delivered.

If emo unavailable gets attached to you, he may actually feel like getting a lot closer.

And here comes something he has to decide for himself – whether he is sticking with you or his issues. If he chooses to stick with both – you and his issues, he may then drag you into an open-end relationship that might last for years and cost you one nervous system.

Being on the loose doesn’t always mean that he protects his freedom to sleep with others, sometimes he simply protects his freedom to sleep alone, whenever he feels like it.

If emo unavailable man meets a woman that manages to reach some deep strings inside his confounded soul, he might actually respond with a strong affection, which he of course will keep to himself. He will want her around, but yet never totally next to him. For, in order to feel truly comfortable next to someone, he should first work over the rest of his ancient issues.

Will you help him do it? Maybe a licensed shrink won’t, unless the Unavailable admits he has a problem with intimacy and is no longer interested to live with it.

Only when he reaches an enlightment of realization that his intimacy issues are actually hindering him from being with you, will he do his best to get rid of them, and not of you.

If a man loves a woman for real, he can change a world in order to be with her – let alone a couple of his ‘comfortable’ issues.

Emo unavailable is hiding a void inside which is probably there since childhood. If some woman manages to fill that void – and not because she will try and turn inside-out for that, but because something in that emo unavailable soul will click and respond to her, only then will he choose to open up and shift his comfort zones.

However, it will be a rather gradual process. See if you have that time, patience and determination to wait for him for whatever time he needs.

I’m not justifying emo unavailable’s hard character or a painful relationship that he will put you through, but simply informing what you should realistically expect with him, given you decide to continue. It’s your choice.

And always remember, even though you may step out of a crowd for him, nobody retired that crowd yet. He will still want to roam out freely and socialize with whoever happens around, because emo unavailables live on constant new thrills and ego tickles.

He will be coming back to you because you are his special, and he knows that there with you he will always find a sympathetic ear, unconditional acceptance and emotional reassurance…

If in response you give him a cold shoulder or tell him to back off, he might actually find it more interesting to stick with you a bit longer next time.

Yes, an insightful, patient, socially–busy and somewhat unavailable woman herself can make emo unavailable man seriously interested. But when Unavailable falls in normal human love (yes, it happens sometimes) he tends to feel inner discomfort at first, tries to rationalize and deny that feeling, and wonder what the hell is going on with him at all.

Love still does wonders, i always believe so. And if emotionally unavailable is capable of developing a selfless empathic feeling towards a woman, this love will help him work through his issues a world better than anyone would do. Love is the best shrink known so far.

Emo unavailable may fall in love with you. But you may never know when it happens and if he ever decides to let you know. You cannot push, you cannot  fall for him and you can definitely not hang in there for him forever.

As long as he knows that you will always be available, he has no real incentive to get available himself.


209 thoughts on “~ Can Emotionally Unavailable Fall In Love With You? ~

  1. Excellent guide on emotionally unavailable, dear :-) Most of the posts I read about them say you should run and hide when you spot unavailable, but your posts actually give a hope ! :p

    • Running away doesn’t resolve the problem (and the karma between you two) until you realize why you attracted this unavailable person and what for…

      • So after 3 years of a torture with him (Not a complete relationship, come-go&come-go, lying, cheating, playing… However saying he loves me), we at the end broke up 1 month ago after a nonsense discussion because he told me he wasn’t sure if he loves me or not after 3 years. I behove him very bad, insulted and told him not to call me again. We’ve had many bad endings but probably this was the “worst”. Whatever he’s done to me I always have been loyal to him and loved him sooo much (he perfectly knew it). But you know… I am not Jesus and here I reacted and after that even he called again and sent a message I burned all the bridges. Now… After all I’ve lived I am asking these two questions to myself! Why I was attracted to this unavailable disaster and what for…? And what do you mean by the karma between two of us? Well, if what you mean is he’ll also get what he gave to me in negative sense, sadly I hope so… Cannot remember how many nights I cried and cried on bed with eyes swallowed.

        • I learned that he was a mirror for me to look into. I was not loving ME. Love YOU the same way you loved HIM. love everything that arises in yourself. Every thought..every emotion. Talk to it like a child and soothe yourself. When you learn to quit hating those things about yourself and embrace YOU then your karma is complete. You will no longer attract these types. Your vibration changes and what you attract will change because of it. It is NEVER about them. We are given EXACTLY what we need to grow. Think of it this way… It wasn’t done TO you, but it was brought FOR you.

            • Sofia, I learned the hard way! You are precious. Don’t ever quit expressing your truth. This has helped so many people. Thank you for being YOU!

          • You are right Sally. Your message came in the right moment. After months of no contact, he sent me some apologizing messages, but not for getting closer. I guess only for feeling bad for what he’s done to me. For the first time I found courage to let the contacts be close with him. I haven’t replied. Because I am exactly in that period you wrote. Trying to do things you’ve said. Not easy, in fact very difficult. But I have to learn to give it to myself. I just… will wonder why while for the first time in my life I was feeling that I’m in where I always dreamed and extremely feeling belonged to what I had, I had to live this torture… Why we had to live this nightmare even if there was no reason to live it, we could live in happinness… I guess I’ll search for the answers maybe a little bit more… Thank you for your beautiful message Sally.

            • Hi Dear Girl! I experienced the same pattern. I ended a 29 year marriage and only a few months later I met the EUM. I was angry at God I think for SO MUCH emotional pain back to back. I was in such a great place right before I met him! In hindsight, BELIEVE ME you will see the good in it. Do your work and you will never have to do this again. I have so much compassion for you. You are not alone in this. When you get far enough away you will see how ridiculous it all was. I know that right now it feels like you will never find anyone else and all hope is lost. Love YOU more than that! Only when I love myself will REAL love spill out of me. Keep strong Beautiful Stardust and remember your worth!!

              • What a beautiful heart… Thank you. Surely I will. For being in contact and for benefiting from your experiences, share experiences I also invite you to my personal blog Sally. Would be happy to see you there. Have a very good day all the beautiful people with beautiful hearts, life is beautiful when you believe our dreams. ❤️

              • “Do your work and you will never have to do this again.” That gives me hope, at a very dark time for me. Thank you.

          • I completely agree. Regardless if we are still in the middle of it or not, realizing that it is happening for a reason, is just mind blowing. It also relieves the anxiety from the questions like, “why don’t I walk?” or “what’s wrong with me?” We are not finished with the lesson and if the relationship has ended, know that it’s all you. You’re done or you’re gaining strength and may be even going for another round because these guys are relentless once they have that hook in. But with every fight, every tear comes a lesson, another chapter. Hoping to graduate with honors is the ultimate goal. Heart, soul and mind in tact. Learning to love myself is the biggest obstacle. It’s all about me. Sally, you are so right and Sofia, you are the best. Your words have helped me more than anything I have ever read. Eternal thanks.

            • Dearest Maison and Arjagged…I just sent a lot of love to you both. It’s brutal and life draining I know. I want you to know that I was sitting on my porch the other day talking pleasantly with my Wasband and so at peace about the EUM! I had a moment of such strength flow through me and it felt amazing! That time is coming!! Don’t quit!!!

          • Thank you sally. You’re words touch my heart. I had an 11 year relationship with EUM that ended with him walking away. After much work on myself for 5 years with no dating, I met (what I thought) was a great guy. As we dated the patterns felt familiar….that hot/cold thing, disappearing for several days with no notice and general self centered. I guess I was lucky….I held in for 3 months thinking maybe he would becoming more loving. I decided to leave and move on because I loved myself more. It was the hardest thing I’ve done, break my own heart….but to live the other option was going to be torture. So you’re words strike a cord with me and I’m going back to love myself again. It is truly THE only answer to the EUM.

            • Dear Sam!! YOU are so amazing. Do you see how far you have come?! We are messy as humans but every once in a while we get to see how far we have come. This was a gift to you. You are coming along so nicely. Bravo!!!

          • Sally, that is so true. I was with this guy not for very long eight months. He was the most generous, affectionate man I have ever been with ( and VERY HOT). He wouldn’t call and only wanted to text but when we were around each other he was the ‘perfect bf’ I fell in love with him and he knew. After we went away for a weekend, no arguments he dumped me by text message. November 2015 actually. He said he thinks its better we break up because I will fall in love and he wouldn’t because he can never get attached he never does. (I think he found a new flavour of the month) which proves the point that he doesn’t understand attachment or discipline. I cried myself to sleep so many nights for practically a year after. I couldn’t understand WHY I was so unfortunate to be so happy one minute and then this happened to me. I now know that through my tears I had to start looking at myself and becoming a improved version of myself. I thought I was confident but I lost every ounce of self esteem when it happened now I know what confidence is and I have to work at it. He changed me. He hurt me. but I really prefer the person I am now.

    • I am with an emotionally unavailable man, but I adore him. I trust that I matter to him very much. I choose to love him no matter how distant he can become at times. He us exciting, refreshing….

    • My advise it to run, and keep running and don’t look back. He will wear you out emotionally and always be seeking the thrill of meeting other woman.

      • Next month it will be 5 years since being with my EUM. I’ve asked the questions too what is wrong with me, why am I staying. I told him 2 years ago I loved him. He never responded back, nothing. He has a very fulfilled life doing his own stuff and friends and only sees me on weekends and lunch on weekends. I’m giving just enough to him to make it look like he is normal to his friends. I’ve noticed the last month he is eyeing other women…He is very attractive, but so am I and have been told he is lucky to have me. We go 6 weeks at a time without intimacy …and it’s very basic. No kissing, touching…His friends ask him about retirement in a few years…he shares with them his plans. I’m not part of them. I’m done. I’m gradually becoming unavailable to him. In 3 weeks it’s over and I will have my normal life back. I’d rather be single then be in a relationship with a man who can’t tell me they love me, hold my h and and chooses to sleep on the couch all night then be with me.

  2. Hey dear! One query please. :P
    “Emo unavailable man can be a real heartbreaker for an open romantic girl that searches a close sharing relationship.

    But a woman that heard of being somewhat unavailable herself will have no problem sustaining years relationship with emo unavailable fellow.”
    How do you know this? :P ;)


    • My own experience :))
      I have been on both sides of the river – chasing my mr. emotionally unavailable with a romantic dream and seeming emotionally unavailable to others myself :)
      I really know how unavailable people think because I used to be one of them and survived a relationship with mr. unavailable too :)

      • Wow! That sounds really pretty, dear one. Hope you have a great time there with your Mr. God bless you both. Cheers.\m/ :)


      • dear sofia, I have known I have been in both places too, but by reading this article I just found THE missing piece of my puzzle. my understanding just opened like a blast. my whole life is now in a new perspective: every past action and behaviour falls in place. I don’t know if you will read this post, but I must write it to share with the world how I thank you for this so longed clarity I now have. a solid, permanent clarity which opens the door for a whole new world. thank you so very much. all my best.

    • A relationship with emotionally unavailable person is a sad challenging experience, we cry a lot through it and spend many sleepless nights… But I believe now, it also lets us learn a lot, and discover how strong, wise and self-reliant we can ultimately be!
      Every person in our life is here for a reason. And in the end of the road you’ll look back at the emo unavailable person that used to make you cry, and you will sigh and smile!

      Hugs to you, it all will get really easy one day! ♥

      • I’ve been in an emotionally unavailable relationship for 20 years.
        Finally we’ve ended after I’ve found yet another picture/receipt/ message that he’s been unfaithful. I’ve searched and searched for answers and feel I have found some comfort from here. Possibly 8 affairs, we’ve got back together each time. His manner at being covert should give him direct entry to mi5. However the destructive force was his emotional unavailability, his mother is similar as is his father. Ostriches. But neither cheated or betrayed one another. The ex craved lust and his affair for passing excitement as he couldn’t express his desires to me, I always thought he was shy! But he informs me he’s a charming, sexually demanding, loud guy in the workplace and has always worked away from the home . His affairs have always been whilst he’s away with work colleagues or emotional email affairs with other women. The women are usually mothers, or have lower ranking jobs to him, I’m a profesdional and he agrees I’m too intellifent for him!! He is one hard nut to crack. He thinks he will change in his next relationship and be a great provider, lover and friend. I hope he looks at me and thinks I’ve let the best thing ever to happen to me get away, that includes his two children.

        • I appreciate your sharing! Emotionally unavailable man can stay with one and the same woman for years, but one woman is not enough for him emotionally… I know it sounds paradoxically. Emo unavailable need women’s attention. It just makes him feel good, present, validated…

          As you mentioned, differences in your statuses might have triggered him to question his own talents and worthiness next to you… Emotionally unavaialble men often secretly suffer from a fluctuating, usually low self-esteem. Indulging into multiple affairs here is only a way of seeking an ego boost.
          His constant woman knows him inside-out, other/new women don’t – he can be interesting, different, intriguing…

          If a relationship or a marriage was unhappy and felt like a constant struggle, then it probably was a karmic relationship – you both met and stayed together for some important developmental work and an experience that you could have had only with that person. Your partner has probably hurt you, but also taught you a lot of valuable things along the way, which i’m sure you know of by now.

          Bless everything that goes and release it with love. If it goes, let it go. Sometimes two people live a life together and then suddenly wake up to the fact that from there on the roads are fanning out.

          Some people go just to make space for the new ones to come, and those usually carry happier rewarding experiences for us. From ending a karmic relationship, you may then proceed to meeting your soulmate and be happy the way you deserve.

      • I have been reading many articles on emotional inept men and this is by far the best explanation I’ve found. I’m done searching for an answer. You have described my guy to a tee. We have been dating 2 1/2 years and he has yet to convey his feeling for me. I was previously married 16 years so I know what’s it like to be in a loving fulfilled relationship. We enjoy our time together but I’m lonely and miserable. Now I realize I must be a little unavailable as well or I’d end it and seek someone who could fulfill my needs. I’ve a lot of thinking to do…

        • I realize this is almost a year later but PK, your response sounds almost identical to me. Almost 3 years in a relationship with a man who is EU and not because he is a womanizer but because he has been severely hurt in his lifetime by a few women and growing up in an abusive home. He has little to no trust. I refuse to listen to the other articles that he just wants to be a “player” and that is why he is non-committal when in essence, he cannot bear to go back to that place where he was when he was last hurt badly and his marriage ended in a very painful and hurtful manner. I figure, we were brought together to both heal and he helps me stay grounded and I give him love. I won’t say that it isn’t hard, it is. I do spend many nights in tears and cursing my ability to continuously hope yet I have no desire to walk away. Maybe someday but not today. I love him. Genuinely love him.

          • This came to me through Facebook it was spot on….
            STOP trying to change someone, who doesn’t want to change
            STOP giving chances to someone who continually abuses your forgiveness
            STOP walking back to a place where your heart ran from
            STOP trusting their words and ignoring their actions
            STOP breaking your own heart ♥

          • I last posted in July of this year. Things have gotten better but its always one step forward, 10 steps back….to say the least. Relationships to these eu guys are like a business arrangement except when they feel spontaneous and/or they want to change things around. Expressing my disagreement at anything becomes an offense almost, blows out of proportion and I get accused of talking too much or wanting too much. Twisters, I call them. The twirl things and make it so that you come out looking like a fool. He and I have gotten better but our arguments have become more frequent. The closer we are the more I can feel the weirdness behind it all, the “proper” answers, the appropriate gestures. He sends me kissie emoticons all day, puppies, rabbits, you name it but his phone calls are casual with an occasional, “Love ya.” he texts love you a lot but only through texts is he the sweetest, most romantic man. I’m in love with a TEXTER….. Im up to my limit. I told him we need counseling, that he’s not over his ex and that we should take some time apart. Im waiting for his response. My luck, he’ll just get a third job or add another hobby to the list and continue to ignore the issues. I’ll keep you posted. Please reply if you have any ideas as to how to go forth with the separation idea. Than you a million. Adrian

          • KP it’s a year since you last post but l would like to say how eloquently you wrote of your situation l too am in a very similar circumstance. l love him and tried to walk away but couldn’t and that’s when l realised how much he needed me to be there for him and even though he has ‘other interactions’ he only shares his inner thoughts with me. He has moved for his work and so our relationship consists of having contact with each other every second day which he initiates we have known each other for a year and long distance for 7 months. I consider myself lucky as l can keep my attachment to him under control as l can get certain intimacy needs met elsewhere which he knows about. I know it goes against most of sociaital norms but people are so complex why would you generalise, and talk of unconditional love when these ‘norms’ are conditional. This blog has been the most accepting, accurate and empathic l have read so thank you l do not speak to anyone about my man so l appreciate this opportunity. I am learning so much about myself l don’t believe counselling work have been as effective as this relationship has been. I am loving, supportive and lighten things for him which l know he appreciates and l have enough of these qualities to give him and he fills a need in me so it’s a mutual connection l can’t tell you it won’t eventually hurt me deeply to lose him but l know l am strong enough to handle this pain without anger towards him, it’s about love and being accepted for who you are. I wish anyone in this situation all the very best remember to be mindful of your own fears, insecurities and expectations which has been the lesson for me learning to love without attachment…

  3. Hi Sofia,

    Thanks for the wonderful insight. I’ve been involved with an emotionally unavailable man for a year now and have tried to walk away several times but he keeps running after me and making it so hard. We never officially dated and he has barely shown any real emotional affection but for some odd reason I can’t get him out of my mind and keep hoping he’ll change…Not to sound vain but I have a ton of great guys chasing me and wanting a chance to date me but I never give them a chance because I’m in love with Mr. Unavailable. What is wrong with me??? Quick background on the two of us: I’m 24 and several months prior to meeting him, dated someone for 7 years. He’s 29 and has not seriously dated anyone in nearly 6 years.

    • Thanks for sharing your story, Liz.
      Emotionally unavailable man does need to feel women’s affection.. But he is not realizing he has to give them the same affection in return. And he literally can’t, even if he tries, because his heart chakra is blocked and that won’t let him share his feelings and emotions.

      There is nothing wrong with you, you are simply in love. We can’t control falling in love with anyone, no matter whether those people are loveable or not. But you can take control of this situation, relying onsigns and your inner voice – do you really want to be with this man?
      If being with him hurts, but you can’t seem to let him go no matter how much you try, then you probably have some ‘karma’ together that you needed to resolve through this relationship.

  4. Really informative post Sofia, I’m glad you’ve Tweeted this one today! It must be tough being a powerful empath and yet not receiving the affection & emotional support you deserve. Perhaps the lesson is to show all the emo unavailable and ourselves what true unconditional love really means. If that means separating to love yourself first or allowing other the freedom to understand what love is, while keeping love in your heart – it’s all good.
    I love your kitty experience, you placed his needs above your own because you felt that is the right thing to do. I think that’s the least we can do for our fellow humans. So, if you want to experience love and support, be loving and supportive with no strings attached. If you want attention, be attentive to others. In other words live your life and show others by your own example, walk your talk etc. And I see by your educational posts, that is exactly what you are showing us with regards to relationships and love. ♥ You strengthen us daily by showing/sharing your power and strength comes from love. Like a positive feedback loop, you empower yourself, and that’s how we change the world, reflective cognizance! ☼ Love you sister Siberia. :D

    • Maddy you’ll make me cry :’) Your sweet comments always make my heart chakra explode! :)))
      I totally believe this – letting go and still loving with no offense or a hole inside is the level of unconditional love. I love implementing it in life and after a certain experience of self growth, loving unconditionally is not even an effort, it feels natural and refreshing.
      I love you too, Always! ♥ ♥ ♥

  5. This came at the perfect timing…Have been going through this situation for the past couple years. I’ve finally had enough…thank youf or the insight

      • Hello Sofia,

        Love the post….very informative! My first time ever dealing with an emotionally unavailable man…. it was emotionally draining. I ended it of 3yrs. He got a girl pregnant. I was devastated. He lied to me Sofia about it all. He knew i was gonna walk…he didn’t want that. He stated that he wanted me around & he was sorry for hurting me but he had hurt me before…..& his actions showed otherwise. I cried so much & I still cry from time to time. I got my phone number changed…. changed careers & moved away. I have not seen him of course or heard from him. I dont understand why? Why would he wanna hurt me Sofia? I was there for him…I mean I was there when others baled out & he had noone. I have never hurt like this. Its been a while now but it still hurts. This has be very traumatic for me….very. Any advice?
        Thank you

        • Thank you for sharing your story!
          I believe you are simply a very empathic person, and women of that kind are often very accepting, understanding and forgiving of others’ flaws and imperfections…
          And that’s why people of lesser emotional depth are usually magnetically driven to such personalities.

          It might have felt comfortable beside you, cozy, felt like home, because you wouldn’t judge, you were accepting the person just the way he was…
          Women like that are not easy to lose, but unfortunately, as we mentioned here above, emotionally unavailable men/and women, even though driven to “their special one” still find it difficult to commit to them, and may have simultaneous multiple affairs…

          The reason for that behavior roots deeply in unmet emotional childhood needs, probable absence of closeness with a parent, innate feeling of rejection and constantly challenged self worth in an adult age…

          There wasn’t anything better that you could do for that person than you already did, having given him some time of your life and a piece of your heart. Forgive, let go, keep the good memories only

          • Hi Sofia,

            I have read your posts and followers post and got so much comfort out of them. I’m currently in a ‘relationship’ with a guy for a few weeks – but we are ‘dating’ for 6 months.
            Small background of me, I moved from my family and friends (who I’m so close to) for work and lifestyle change, just for a 2 years. But I met mr emo, and I swear I have never fallen so hard. I have been in relationships, loving relationships that didn’t worth out – I walked away from both of them, but I’m madly in love guy. But he comes and goes, when he is here he is EVERYTHING I want. But when he is gone, he is completely gone. We have been on and off for 6 months. Biggest problem is, he works for the navy. So he is gone for a few months…then he is back…. He is back for a few months. We have seen each other on and off for 6 months now. He is away for 2. Before he left (3 weeks) was when commitment was made. He said to me he knows he finds to hard to open and that he’ll try harder. But I’m very emotional and really seek someone who will hold my hand and takes life battles on with me, head on!!! His mam died when he was 2. His gran brought him up, who he is still very close to. So I’m in a battle now. He is away for another month and I’m torn between burning our photos, or hanging on in there…..!!!
            Your advise would be so great!

  6. Hi Sofia,
    Thank you for your posts. I can put my name under each of them. I was with an unavailable man for too long (almost 5 years). You brought to my attention that maybe this relationship was a learning curve for both of us.. So far I believed that I needed to be patient, loving, caring, that I need to give him more time to solve his issues and then we will be happy ever after. None of this happened. Maybe I am also unavailable that I allowed myself to be in this “relationship” for so long? Our childhood, past experiences can affect our current relationships… my question is: how I can recognize if my childhood had something to do with this? Would you please recommend some books, literature I could learn a bit more about it? Thank you

    • Dear Izabela, replying you with a big delay, but well…
      Children in problematic families learn to “close up” at early age, or we learn to hide our emotions later, having had a few unhappy encounters.
      Analyse your childhood, it will help you get some insight. Were you happy as a child? Were your parents happy? What were your early relationship experiences, and so on.

      As for the links, there is much advice offered on the internet. Search for a psychological outlook on the problem.
      However, I never really found the answers on internet that would satisfy me or really clarify the situation. Most common advice you will read is to run as soon as you identify your mr. unavailable – that’s an option, but a very exoteric approach.

      From metaphysical perspective, you get involved with certain kind of partners because you have your lessons together with These certain people, and because You need to learn something about yourself from these situations.

  7. Wow as I’m reading this article I see my pattern and am asking why is it dat I only attract emo’s whereas all I want is to share my love with someone who will love me back?tanks would like to receive updates via my email add

  8. Hi there Sofia!
    This is a really great article, and it makes me feel abit better. Things recently ended with a guy I was involved with for 5/6 months. We acted like we were in a relationship but he seemed never to want to commit. We agreed that we should know each other better before actually being together, but to me it seemed like what we were doing was no different from an actual relationship. I thought he genuinely cared, and even though he is hot and cold sonetines and doesnt talk about his emotions/feelings much. Not wanting to pressure him, I didn’t have ‘the talk’ with him until a few weeks ago. Cut a long story short, he ended things by saying he doesn’t want to continue as he feels like we won’t work out, and he’s so busy he doesn’t have time for me and that he’s doing this for me as he doesn’t want to hurt me, as he feels like he cant commit. But then, he said he doesn’t feel the same way anymore, and he really thought he liked me but its different now. He even said he felt like what we had ‘wasn’t real’ and we ‘rushed into things’, and it was just infatuation, and that we were different and had no similarities. When i asked him if he still liked me, he couldnt answer me. This left me so shocked and hurt, as I really trusted him and invested time and effort into this, and it felt real to me, how could he not have felt the same? I really thought we had real feelings between us. The day before I asked him about the status of our relationship, we were still fine, and I was slightly upset at him and back then he still tried to cheer me up and acted like he cared. Was everything he told me and everything we did a lie? So confused, and upset and even a bit mad. What should I do? I just feel like it was my fault, was I the emotionally unavailable one? Was there something I could have done differently? Please help..:(

    • Dear Adelynn, every time a relationship ends or is not working the way we wanted, we are prone to thinking Oh my God, what wrong did I do to make it happen? Is there a fault of mine? Or my partner’s fault?
      And in fact, every time a relationship is not “working”, there is really no fault of any party… The relationship is still “working”, but in its hidden divine ways. And your two souls are teaching each other something through what your physical bodies and minds are expressing…

      Not every love affair is to end with a traditional happy ending – now in the Age of Aquarius most relationships we’ll be getting are more of like the challenges to the strength and flexibility of our spirits.
      Look at every relationship as if from aside – don’t take it personally, no matter how absurd it sounds, it’s just a game, it challenges you for something. Distance from your hurt feelings for a while. Observe it. As a side observer, you will start noticing that there are really more things to this involvement than you were initially thinking. Then notice the message – what’s your lesson in there?..

  9. Wow…thanks for this article!!! I am living this as we speak. I met him online 6 months ago. We started as fwb. It has been a very slooooooow process in terms of communication. We emailed a couple times a week for over a month. Then it was a text a week from him..a simple HEY. He called one time maybe in the second month. The first time we met we had sex. Pretty much from there he would text me for that. I went on vacation for ten days and something changed. He was texting me all the time. When are you coming home..blah blah blah. Saw him the night I got back and spent the night for the first time..no sex. Then the following weekend we went out to a nice dinner..had a blast. He text me 2 days later and said I want to start dating and yes I am happy about it. A couple weekends passed and nothing…no dates. Then we went out to dinner again and I spent the night again no sex. Then a couple weeks after he bailed on me last minute and I got upset and said we never see each other…I know you have other obligations…a busy job..a son he runs with constantly..and a hour drive between us. He texts me and says I have been thinking this weekend and i really think I want you to be my girlfriend….what!?!?! But…we are back to having a few hours here and there and no dates or going out. When we hang out…we have so much fun. We talk and laugh and kiss and cuddle the whole time. I get so wrapped up in that and then during the week I feel like I don’t exist. We text a few times maybe 3 or 4 days a week. More or less how are you how is your week…etc.
    Well Saturday..I decided to text him. We had an amazing afternoon together…so my text that night to him was Just some things I feel I need to say…you have every right to date others if you wish…but I will be honest I am looking for something more serious in the near future…if its you and I…cool…if not we will cross that bridge if that times comes. I know you said you want me to be your girlfriend..and that makes me happy…but I don’t like to assume anything. Good seeing you today ttyl. 3 days and NOTHING…not a word…which isn’t really all that unusual. But he does take days to process things..he hasn’t said I am done or anything. Now he is leaving in 2 weeks for 7 weeks…I am HOPING..that I will get a change of heart from him like I did when I was gone. But this by far is the hardest…most mentally emotionally draining relationship I have been in. He is truly everything I could want…less being emo unavailable.
    We have come farther in communication since the beginning…and I have never ever been needy or clingy. He did break it off with me a couple months ago…I had no contact for 6 days and he came crawling back. Very confusing situation.

    • Hi Stacey! Thank you for sharing your story here.
      Most women who went through a relationship with emotionally unavailable men share the same experiences.
      What’s painful in such “relationship” is that emo unavailable are unpredictble – always suddenly hot and then lukewarm, on and off… And you always hang in there waiting, hoping that one day he will realize he loves you and will come back and become “normal”…
      Waiting, uncertainty, emotional insecurity – all this is a nerve wreck. Distance from it, love unconditionally, just let the emotionally unavailable be as distant, unstable and immature as he wants to be for now. His actions may seem wrong and hurt you, but it’s his own way of development and he is learning his lessons through it.

  10. I have been married to an emo unavailable man for over 26 years. All the drama and the times of losing sight of and connection to self in reaction to his nonsense has come full circle and I have finally returned home to my center. I have awakened and all past hurts experienced in this relationship makes sense to me now after having come across descriptions of this type of man within the last few months. I feel genuine disappointment but no pain anymore. I am so impressed with others that awakened after only a few months or a couple of years–this does make me realize how dense things were for me or how much there was for me to learn. There were no affairs as far as I was ever able to determine, however, flirtations a plenty to feed his need for other’s attention. The only connection we shared was our child which is now grown. He still says he wants to stay married and his actions let me know he is fearful of losing me. I carry no hope he will ever change. I am now 63, was a stay at home mom and did not work outside the home after our daughter was born. Feel like I am in a hover as I try to find my way in where do I go from here.

    • Dear Ginger, each one comes to their truth at their own time.
      Our true life achievemnts are what we learned and realized through life, and not what we worked, what social roles we played or the material posessions we acquired…

      Emotionally unavailable men often long for womens attention, it’s like a need, and the more, the better they feel about themselves. It’s all really only for sustaining of a desirable self image.
      Who we call emotionally unavailable men may simply be emotionally immature undependably of their physical age. They may desperately need love and understanding, and so they naturally cling to their woman who feels for them, who is stronger, emotionally more matured and trustworthy.

      You had your lessons together, you produced a beautiful child, you had your happy moments… Just let it flow. I’m sure your calm bright wisdom will answer many of your follwing questions and will bring you peace

  11. First time reading this…and it’s possibly the most spot-on description of an emotionally unavailable person I’ve read.

    Unlike many commenters, I AM the emotionally unavailable person. So much so that I’ve never actually gone far enough to be in a serious relationship. I have a definite commitment phobia regarding relationships.

    Your description of the cat is perfect. Your comment that sometimes emotionally unavailable people aren’t looking to sleep around, but simply retaining the right to sleep alone, is also on target.

    From what I’ve read online, it seems men are more likely to be emotionally unavailable than women. I’m a woman, so sometimes that makes online advice irrelevant. :/ But your advice is just…so true and so applicable.

    I think men who have pursued me are often drawn in by the thrill of the chase only to be disappointed with the lack of reward. The more they pursue, the more I run.

    I know for me, one thing I’ve always had a hard time with is expectations. The men who chase me want something…a relationship. Romance, reciprocating of feelings. Affection, and everything else intimate. Those expectation are frightening, and often push me away even from men I am mutually interested in. Perhaps it’s a fear of personal failure to some extent, in addition to fear of entrapment. I know I definitely don’t want to get emotionally yanked around…

    I’ve considered trying to tackle my emotional intimacy problems. I think about them. But I’m not really sure where to begin. How does one get rid of such issues? It’s like eliminating a natural survival instinct.

    I sincerely appreciate your post. It sheds light on my own behaviors and illuminates some of the reasons why I tend to run from emotionally committed relationships.

    I do hope I improve with time. I would like be someone who can be emotionally available yet still emotionally strong in the face of rejection.

    Thank you for your post.

    • Dear Marlowe!

      Here I want to link you to a comment above, written by Jesse, you share similar stories! Thumbs up for the strength of your spirits, for sharing this and leaving your valuable insights on this subject!

      Now, how does one stop being emotionally unavailable after acknowledging you are? Very simple – as the saying goes, Karma burns in the fire of Awareness.

      So you start changing every day just by acquiring an intention to do so.
      The way we live our lives is just a result of what we constantly Say to ourselves, that’s how we form our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.
      If you fear rejection and that’s why reject first, just be saying to yourself “Whatever way this relationship goes – I’ll be fine! I’ll have fun, I’ll learn my lessons along it”.
      And as I wrote in a comment to Jesse, it’s always good to let your partner know at once what dough you are made of and what you are up to, because keeping your cards open from the start will eventually save you both a heartache and misunderstanding.

      In the end you are as you are. You deserve your space and the time to reach your balance at your own pace.

      • I like the advice u gave Marlowe because I share a lot of her characteristics….. I am a commitaphobe and have attracted emo unavailable men all my life….how do u feel about affirmations and reaffirming relationships?

  12. The article was amazing!
    As with the post above I am the emo unavailable or as I like to call it the emotional ninja in my relationships and I am a woman. All of my relationships with men that have lasted any amount of time have been with other unavailable men.
    I know how I got this way and it wasn’t by accident nor by choice. I was a daddies girl however my father was extremely unavailable and remains so to this day. He will hold superficial conversations about the weather, work or politics but if anything emotional is mentioned he will avoid it and/or change the subject. I have no idea how my father truly feels yet I loved him to death. My parents divorced when I was young (around 6) after my father had an affair with his secretary. He walked out of our lives and we never did really see much of him again. My mother also became unavailable emotionally after my father broke her heart, the stress of raising kids on her own without any support and after she remarried to a man whom betrayed her and us (he was a child molester) she became devoid of emotions. In fact she became a bit of a man hater and died alone without ever having the opportunity to be with someone loving. So that is how I learned to become the emotional ninja in my relationships.

    The only men I can tolerate in relationships for any amount of time are other men who are equally if not more unavailable than myself. I have a deep need for solitude and space which most people who are functioning on all cylinders cannot understand nor deal with for any amount of time.

    At the heart of my unavailability is fear and a need for control. Fear is what drives me to act the way I do and in some ways keeps me from changing. Love requires one to free fall. To let go of fear and control, plunge into the pool risking and not thinking about the future. This is where I stop. I stop myself from loving someone so that I never feel like free falling, I never plunge into the pool. I can’t!

    I notice that some posters their Mr unavailable bolted the minute the person that loved them told them they wanted more, leaving the available person to blame themselves for their partners failures. They feel unloved and not worthy. However being unavailable myself I can tell you with certainty that I loved all the men I was with. Sometimes deeply though they would never know it. I would run because I cannot be vulnerable, I couldn’t handle the responsibility of another person’s emotions let alone mine and I knew that I couldn’t give that person what they desired. I don’t believe that two people being together for a length of time despite the unavailability of one or both parties and feel no emotions or attachments to the other (though one can hide those very well). Those of you saying you were never loved is simply not true. You were loved but in twisted non traditional way but non the less you were loved by even Mr/Mrs. Unavailable.

    For me the starting of relationships was more about control and minimizing fear then it was about “cheating” or the thrill of the chase. In a new relationship the expectations of me were very little. Very little emotional, physical and financial were required of me in the beginning. They were easy to control and very predictable therefore I never had anything to fear. Simply date for a few weeks to a month and then end the relationship and start anew. When I started loosing control was when I would enter into a long term relationship with someone who wasn’t unavailable because then the other person would want more and I could no longer control the outcome or predict what would happen. I was forced to come face to face with my own demons which most of us who are unavailable try never to do. It’s ugly! So I think sometimes the straying unavailable partner doesn’t always mean they desire the chase or the thrill, or want someone new/better. In my case it’s a defense mechanism that allows me to continue my behavior.

    I am also not sure how one goes from unavailable to available but I am trying to. I have entered into a relationship of some sort with a man who is probably more unavailable than myself. Most of my friends have no idea why I am with him since in their eyes he treats me like crap. And why stay with him when I have men begging to let them be my everything! But on some level I do know why I am with him. He is what I need right now. He is the mirror image of myself and when I face him, I face myself. We started as FWB’s back in June at his suggestion and since I didn’t want a relationship why not. Things were fine for a while, he has his life and I have mine but then he become suspicious and I guess jealous of what I was doing with other men. At that point I started to run as I have a low tolerance for drama and the signalling of jealousy/control from him was a sign that things were about to change between us. I found myself explaining to him what I was doing. So I ran. I pulled back.I didn’t speak to him for 2 months. He kept trying to communicate with me during this time but I tried my hardest to distance myself. Eventually I told him that I no longer wanted to continue the relationship in the FWB form and that if he didn’t feel the same about me that I did to him then just not contact me. Within a week he contacted me to see him again.

    We don’t really go anywhere and our relationship isn’t traditional. At the end of the day he will call me after he’s done living his life and wants to be loved. If I have time and I want the same I will go. Part of me wanted to have a real “dating” relationship, one where a man takes a woman out, shows her her value and sets time aside to spend with her not just before bed but….. even though I could have demanded it from him and he would have most likely given in I really didn’t want that because all of those things would lead me closer to being in a real relationship with him. Something I just can’t do at this time.

    So I take the time with him. He never tells me how he feels about me, about our relationship and I think he’s complimented me twice the whole time we’ve been together. But when he holds me and begs me to stay with him I know he is expressing his love in the only way that he knows how and that he’s comfortable. I’m sure on some level he feels the same from me since we are almost exactly alike. I taken a big step forward with him (at least for me) by telling him what I need from him, telling him how I feel. Most of the time he doesn’t respond, he just holds me. For now it’s ok because maybe I don’t need him to respond. This is target practice on over coming my fears. It’s scary and sometimes I lash out at him hoping I’ll sabotage the relationship enough to where I’ll have an excuse to run but so far he’s stuck around in his own way. I’m not sure how everything will turn out and maybe that’s the lesson here. Learning how to let go of control and be able to put on the blindfold to be lead toward love.

    • Dear Jesse,

      this was the most invaluable insight on the subject of emotional unavailability in love. A look from within!
      I wish all the readers of this article read your comment and get many questions explained.
      As you told, it all starts from childhood and our early experiences with parents. A family where display of emotions was banned will most certainly produce adults afraid and awkward of showing their feelings and accepting affection of others.
      As you perfectly explained, fear and a need to control lies at the core here – we hurt others not to be hurt ourselves. And this fear is not rational but rather instinctive.
      But please remember, whatever way you choose to build and have your relationships is still up to you. There is really no right or wrong “model” everyone should follow. You cannot try and force yourself into the traditional committed relationship if that’s something that doesn’t feel comfortable to you.
      You live it the way you can, and it’s very important because in this way you are going through your own developmental process and your lessons.
      It’s just essential to let our partners know from the start what we are made of and we are ideally up to, that will save them from heartbreak and illusions.

      You are a wise strong person and I really thank you so much for sharing your story!

    • Thank you Jesse for sharing your experiences which helps with me who has seen an emo unavailable man for over 4 yrs.
      yes, he never said he loves me, complements over these yrs were “I like you” in the beginning, “you are too beautiful”, “what’s next” after a few good time together. However, I felt he wanted me to be happy while we were together. He just needs a lot of time & spaces, almost like he will only let himself seen if he accepts himself, if he thinks he is a winner, if he believes he is good enough. Being open & vulnerable is not his language, most of time anyway. There were moments he nearly opened up past experiences that he was hurt & learned hard lessons, but he stopped talking. He is not a bad person at all just deeply wounded. Thank you for your post which confirms that. All the best. Yan

  13. Hello Sofia,

    I read all your blogs, and get to know more about EUM as well as why we get to meet them.. about twin flame, and blockage of heart chakra..
    I am unsure if he is my twin flame. From the day i met him, i think he is “the one” and i decided that he will be the guy that i want to stay for the rest of my life ( i was 17) .. the day i met him, the feeling was like a little girl yielding for candy.. i couldn’t get him out of my mind.. when i told anyone around me about this, they told me that its a just a “crush”. But how can a “crush” lasted for 12 years? we were on different path after that, and separate for 8 years, till we met again, and we got together. When we first got together, i didn’t know he is an EUM.. he can be attentive at times, even his behavior might be weird at times, like he doesn’t like people to touch him too much.
    Then i realized he is an EUM, at times, i can feel that he is blocking me out of his world. May be only once or twice over the years, he try to open up a little bit for me, and told me exactly how he feels, he told me that he cannot be loyal to anyone and he know he is hurting me, he asked me to stay away. He told me that he doesn’t have a heart, he feel lonely most of the time, he doesn’t know how to love and i don’t know how to help him. But i never want to leave him, i ll keep giving in and be very patience with him. I think i have never be so patience to anyone in my life before. He will always come back to me, sometimes, he will just stray away, and then he will come back again ( like how you describe EUM as a cat) . I have try different methods to keep him, but the cycle will repeat, he is very defensive and protective with his boundaries. Its so hard to go into his world/ his heart. I am very heart broken and very tiring at times, even i know the theory of EUM, i still hoping that i could do something to make him feel love, i keep trying to fill him up with love. I see him as a very sad soul, that he needs a lot of love and care but yet, he block me out.
    I want to know if he is my twin flame? how do i know if he is my twin flame? IF he is my twin flame, how do i help him?
    Hope to hear from you soon.

    • Hello dear Marg!

      From what you wrote in your description, it does feel like the person you love displays the signs of your twinflame, he can possibly be!
      Sometimes a person we perceive as EUM is in fact a twinflame-runner. He is always back and forth, often away, but always somehow around, and you constantly sense his silent presence in your life.
      The way to find out if he is your twinflame is to pay attention to signs and synchronicities that are connected with him / reminding of him. And dreams – twinflames always meet up in dreams, talk, hug, look into each others eyes. And your attraction must be mutual.
      You cannot practically “help” him or influence an emotionally distant person to open up or get closer, but you can send him an emotional healing by distance simply be wishing him well and to be happy whether with you or on his own.
      If you are the twinflames, be sure that there are the protective ‘powers’ assigned to guide your union, and your story will be unfolding in the best interests of you both. Give it time, look for signs and don’t forget to live your life happily in meanwhile!

      • dear sofia,
        what do you mean by protective ‘powers’ ? where do i find such guidance?

        I try to detach from him, but its so difficult. I have to conciously remind myself not to think of him. And i always worried that he might be in trouble, so difficult to let go. Even i get very busy with things and people, he is still occupied my mind. Like a shadow, following me everywhere. I will only feel ‘safe’ when he is with me. If i ‘pretend’ to cold him, he will chase after me, then once i back to our normal routine, he will start to pattern / distance me. its so tiring. I feel unloved at times, i suppose most women feel the same if they have to deal with EUM.

  14. :) every person has a spirit guide that is assigned to him or her for guidance and protection. Every time you get a sign, hunch or luck, it’s the divine interference of your spirit guide (what i call “the powers”) in action.
    Your spirit guide and the spirit guide of your twin flame work in cooperation and if the reunion is in your best interests, your spirit guides will help you stay in touch and meet when the time is right.

    One of the twins often acts like a runner and this deeply hurts the feelings of a more emotional twin of the ‘pairing’. He is always present around because you are tied by a bond none of you can cut. The runner plays unavailable because it is still too early for you to be together as a couple. He feels overwhelmed and so he plays aloof. But he always comes back because he is as well afraid to lose you.
    Paradox here is the more and easier you learn to let him go, the easier he will be driven back to you. It all gets less painful with time, once you notice that you and him are always repeating the same scenario. It’s really not possible to ‘lose’ your twin no matter how hard one of them tries :)

    • Yes, the same scenario keep repeating, the same cycle in different context, I can literally tell how exactly he will react during the cycle. I trying ways to break the cycle, but we always back into the cycle. Actually deep in me, I sense that even he run away, he will always come back to me. Just that I can’t help but get upset that he can’t stay consistent with his actions n put me through such cycle.

      Thanks for the informations Sofia, I ll learn from you, and learn how to let go from now on. Only by letting go , we can proceed to the next stage. I guess like what you said, it’s what my twin soul need to learn before the reunion. Learn to let go n doesn’t need a man to validate love.

  15. Dear Sofia,

    I have fallen for a man I have known for over 2 years. My situation is different from those I have read about as my man is Dutch and lives in Holland. We met quite by chance when his daughter came to England to improve her English. Jack brought her over as she was nervous about coming over and he wanted to make sure she was going to be staying with someone she felt comfortable with. That someone was me as I host foreign students. When our eye’s met it was instant chemistry for us both. Of course at the time neither of us new and it was only a couple of months ago we found out. His daughter had returned and Jacks number came up on my whatsapp so I decided to send him a message to ask how Elice was doing now she had returned. I knew from talking with his daughter that her parents had lived separate lives for some time now. It was a casual chat on whatsapp to start and then it was gradual that we found out we both had felt the chemistry when we had met. It was from then we kept in touch and it got flirtatious and we started talking on the phone. Skyping , texting on a regular base. We got to know one another very well and both confided in one another. We made plans to meet up on several occasions but he cancelled on the first as wasn’t sure he could deal with it until he had moved out from the family home. I told him I couldn’t wait any longer but he was he was also in less contact than before. He contacted me for months trying to get me to speak with him again but I didn’t for at least 6 months. Then I decided to contact him again as I didn’t feel as I did with other men. I know this is strange after only meeting once but I felt it was so strong. He said he felt so forutnate to get another chance with me and didn’t want to mess things up. He said he had sorted himself out emotionally and had moved out 6 months ago and was now renting an apartment.. Eventually We met on a ferry crossing. He sailed over and I got on when it reached Harwich. We of course had both been counting the hours and when we met it was totally mutual. We couldn’t keep out hands of one another. It was an amazing night together. It felt so natural being with one another and we got on so well. He said our love making was like nothing he had experienced before. The following morning we had a few hours to be together in Holland before I returned on the ferry to go home. Those few hours we spent holding hands and kissing one another while walking around. We had a late breakfast and then we saw me to my train beofre saying goodbye. That was last Wednesday and since then he sent me a message saying it was amazing night and one that he could never forget. I was amazing. I replied in a similar way. I found though the next day he didn’t respond to my message so I sent a message asking why he was not replying to my messages and if he didn’t want to know me any more to let me know. I said I thought we had something so special. He then replied an hour later saying sorry he had not been well. I know that is true as has stomach problems. He said not to get wrong idea as he thought also we had something very special but it was happening so quick and he needed to let it sink in. he said he wasn’t used to getting close to someone as it frightens him after so long in not being. He also said that he thinks he has a serious problem there as being close to someone scares him. He said again it was heaven our night together. I had offered to fly over to see him soon so I am thinking that may have frightened him. I sent a message back saying I didn’t want to scare him and only offered to visit him as thought we had got on so well and naturally wanted to see him again. I said it didn’t mean I wanted to move to Holland and live with him. I said also I couldn’t wait another 2 years to see him as would be too late. I also said sometimes you have chances in life as being close to someone can also have positives. I said I thought we had got very close mentally in the time we had known one another. I said it has to be mutual though and to take care. That was 2 nights ago and haven’t received a reply. I thought I should give him time but not sure where I go from here.

  16. I am not sure if I have explained well enough that we both became very close before we met even in over 2 years of contact in every way apart from the physical.

  17. I know in his marriage he often went travelling alone and his daughter told me he could be very moody.

  18. Wow this has been most informative and theraputic….thank you ladies and gents for sharing your stories I’m feeling a sense of calm right now knowing whats going on…..I’m good now but not always, felt very confused.before…he is my addiction and yet I’m most like him but more emotional he is the runner….

  19. I’m curious….does the emu know he is broken or does he blame everyone else for what happens in his relationships?

    • I believe emotionally unavailable people know they are that way, but their egos are preventing them from opening up about it to others.
      Most of them have old emotional traumas that they are cautiously holding on to

  20. Hi,

    After reading this I’ve come to the realization that I’m dating an EUM. I’m somewhat unavailable myself, I didn’t grow up with normal parental relationships (both mother and father were unavailable to each other–very dysfunctional). , I start getting bored at month 4 and I end relationships (even when I like the person and even if it hurts). I start looking for everything that is wrong with the person to make excuses to leave, the guy can be great and all I see are the negatives, and I will leave the relationship even if it hurts me. I’ve been dating this guy for two months, and he is great, very attentive, go out about twice a week with each other, have lots of fun, is very exciting, etc. However, we have kept dating others as that is what he wants, I’ve been wanting to make it exclusive. He says he is open to a relationship, but is not looking to jump into one, and that it takes him time to get there, though he hasn’t given me a time table…On top of dating others he also has a FWB, he says that once he knows who is right he would drop everything, but that it takes time to know who is right. I am trying to be patient, not sure why, maybe is own availability or that he presents a challenge to me.

    Last week after being intimate with this guy for the second time (took us almost two months to get there), I saw the shift He wants to keep things casual and go with flow, that word keeps coming up. I’ve wanted to see him but he has now cancelled on me 3 times (though he contacts me every day via text). Some of the reasons to cancel are legitimate, others not so much. He has told me he cares, to keep myself available, that he can see himself getting attached to me, etc. He is still going on other dates with women, and I feel like he is confusing me so much because his words are telling me what I want to hear, but his actions are doing the complete opposite. So that part confuses me because while most EUM won’t talk about their feelings, my guy does, but he also shows all other aspects of the EUM.

    I am trying to be open, but I have the feeling and my gut knows that deep down he won’t be the one I will end up with. While I’m emotionally unavailable myself I also crave a relationship. Crazy I know!

  21. I have been in a relationship with an emotionally avoidant/unavailable man for abou 7 years now. He showed interest in me since the beginning and was I would say “obsessed” with me at first. We moved in together only after 5 months of knowing each other. We got married 3 years ago and we now have a baby daughter. I have always felt like there’s something wrong with him. We don’t talk about our dreams, goals, future plans. Our conversations are limited to daily routine activities. He never proposed and had only sent me flowers once. I was with him because I felt that he loved me since the beginning and I thought that he was just troubled and reserved. Lately, things had gotten worse. I discovered he was having an affair. The worst part is that when I found out, he acted basically as if he didn’t care and said “ok, I’m sorry, you need to forgive me. We are married”. He never showed me true remorse or interest in me forgiving him. I’m with him because of my daughter and some social pressure AKA my parents. I feel trapped, undervalued, not taken into account, not listened to, basically like a piece of old furniture. I am an attractive, still young professional, but my self esteem is somewhat impaired because of this. I fight with him almost on a daily basis, with no response. He just tunes me out and says “I don’t wanna fight with you”. He says he loves me, but I don’t feel it. I don’t know what else to do. Help me please.

    • Julia, sorry for the belated reply. I wonder how it turned out for you.
      Share your updates if you like.
      It looks like you’ve been going through an emotionally abusive relationship.

  22. From i know about EUM, i think they hate confrontation, its like what Sofia describe, you must be ready to let him go inorder to keep him for a little longer. I read up a lot on their attachment style, they are avoidants. They block their emotions and to make sure they don’t get hurt themselves, that has a lot to do with their childhood upbringing.
    I learn my way to communicate with EUM, aka, stop confronting them. I know you must be very hurtful and upset now, divert your attentions to your baby girl and focus more on ur professions development. Forgive him because that’s him, i m sure he is fearful to lost you too. Indeed, i feel that is a very big step forward for an EUM to get married.

  23. Dear Sofia,

    I found your article truly insightful.

    There seem to be thousands of articles on emotionally unavailable men but very little on EU women. I’m imagining the genders reversed for my situation.

    I’m a man dating an emotionally unavailable woman. She’s told me a little about her childhood and it seems she missed out on being loved as a child particularly by her father whom she never knew until recently. After reading your article I wonder whether she needs the unconditional love she never had as a child.

    • Interesting to hear your input here on this post, coming from a man! And thanks for sharing.
      Yes, unfortunately, all emotionally unavailable people have not received enough intimacy with parents of opposite sex, as they wished to.
      They could work it out with a therapist or with the one they will really fall in love with.
      You just got to be patient and radiate tons of love their way…
      Probably, the only way to heal them

  24. Thanks for this… I’ve met what I believe to be the girl of my dreams. She is just like this. Everything was great for months. Talked about the future with me. Then suddenly nothing.. Hates relationship labels, won’t tell me how she feels, avoids making comited plans. It’s so frustrating. But I refuse to give up on her.. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. This post gives me hope, and some form of direction to go.

    • Thank you for sharing.
      It’s actually somewhat a bit easier to handle and change emotionally strained woman than man.
      So I think with good display of love and patience, you can heal her fear of being in a relationship

  25. Hi Sofia,
    I found this article very inspiring. I have been dating a man for about a year now. He has been a police officer for about 7 years and long story short has encountered and experienced things as a cop that no human should have to. He is probably one of the most emotionally unavailable men I have ever met, the only problem is it took me months to truly see that. He is here and then I won’t hear from him for days. I can never get a straight answer from him about where we stand. He is extremely hot and cold.His actions and his words don’t match in the least bit…and the list goes on.
    About a month ago we split up and I told him that unless he began therapy and stuck with it I was not going to see him anymore because I deserved better. He gave me the run around for awhile, saying all the right things, but never having any action to back it up,but now has finally started seeing a relationship therapist because he claims he really does love me and wants this to work. I know it is going to take years of therapy realistically for this stuff to change.
    I am not sure what to do because I don’t think he would enroll in therapy if he didn’t truly want us to work, but he has hurt me quite a bit with his emotional roller coaster.
    Any advise? Stick it out and be patient and stick by his side, or tell him to get his head in the right spot and call me when he has spent some time in therapy?

    • Hi Aprildancer,

      Well, this man probably needs you now more than ever as he’s taking his first steps to healing his damage. Your support could be the support system he needs instead of resorting to more destructive support systems like alcohol, pornography gambling, violence and self harm. The support of a compassionate woman could be like a guardian angel for him.

      On the other hand, while this man is hurting, he’s probably not even aware of the hurt he causes you. No matter how much you give, there is no guarantee that he will ever give anything back.

      It’s really great that you are prepared to give of yourself. When you give of yourself you will generate good karma, even if the best thing that comes of the situation is you gain wisdom so that in the future you attract people into your life that give back more for your compassion. There is no such thing as failure if you let every experience be a learning experience.

      The question is what to do. You have to find your own answer – it’s not just a matter of googling what to do in this situation.

    • Dear Aprildancer, I apologyze for not seeing this reply earlier. I wonder how it turned out for you two now.
      It’s really hard to give advices as whatever you do to have emo unavailable change, he will nevertheless do what he at the current moment wishes like doing…
      It may turn into a success story, still, if only his feelings are strong enough.
      Sometimes they eve go away for years and then come back.
      But yes, I’d suggest a therapy. He at least needs to know that he needs it.
      But whether to go or not, the choice is his. I wonder if he did

  26. Thank you for sharing your stories this has been such a great help for me. I found so much comfort knowing I am not the only one who experienced this. Being an empathetic and a romantic I can definitely see how an emotionally unavailable man can really hurt you. I cared for him deeply & did not see the signs at first probably because I was attached to someone but when I was detached I saw a change on this man pulling me close or pulling me away, waiting for him to respond to my text, waiting for him to show effort to want to spend time with me, I was told is hard for him to feel the love I gave him & he has a wall, didn’t like thinking of me or missing me so he would find something to do so the feelings would go away, we moved fast partially because of him & then he felt we didn’t emotionally connect as we should of because he did not want something based on sex only but it didn’t feel like that to me. This article describes my experiences to the tee even thought it was short lived & he said it was not fair to continue because he could not respond to my feelings and respect me enough to be honest to with me to let me go. I felt so hurt and conflicted and did not expect from being with him at first this would happen because in the beginning he said sweet words of him waiting for me for many years, he is keeping me & I end up falling quickly for him & felt a connection like a romantic love story & then things changed instantly when I was no longer attached to someone things slow down between us & that is when I am told or shown that he was confused to his feelings & scared. Thank you for this article it has let me see it ended for the best & if he was meant to be with me that he will come to me I even went as far and told him that because I care so deeply for him now wish I hadn’t because I did not want to look desperate because I am not desperate I just really truly wanted to be part of his life when he is in a better place that I would be patient if he wanted we could start all over again but of course no response but all honesty do I want a response not knowing if it something I want to hear.

    I like one of the comments of how life lessons is preparing you for the next person in your life that will be your soul mate & all the other positive comments has made me feel so much more clarity & my heart not as hurt and falling. I also thought I did something wrong as well & I think I knew deep down side when I was next to him my heart would get a sunk feeling knowing that he could not respond to all the love and care I was giving him but yet I went back for more until he let me go.

  27. Great article! Im in love with and emotional unavailable, he has been hurt in his past relationships, and im trying to be there for him and to get him to open up to me, its at the point where i think he never will, what do i do?

  28. I was hurt by an emotionally unavailable man for a long time but I never felt mad. I decided to go on with my life though I sometimes think how is doing in his life. He will forever have a special place in my heart.

    • That is a beautiful move of an empathetic heart! I’m really happy to hear that whatever was the experience you shared, you managed to learn from it, wished that person well and moved on wise without hard feelings!

  29. Dear Sofia,

    I really enjoyed your article, it’s a very compassionate view. The question is how compassionate should one be? Is Karma a reason to suffer? I ask these questions because I feel that my heart is being ripped out.

    I boyfriend is emo unavailable with an ongoing porn addiction. I have tried to encourage him to go to counselling as the addiction stems from sexual abuse. We broke up over it and then he promised me he would go to counselling. We got back together and then he admitted that he only said that to get me back. He has no intention to talk about the past with a stranger.

    Now he has left the country for three months, he made promises to stay in contact. Deep down, I knew that he wouldn’t and I am not going to chase him.

    Before he left, he talked about marriage and got to know my family. My dad even joked that we would be married by next year. It’s gut wrenching to have the special moments and hope followed by immediate silence. In the silence my mind is wondering, I;m thinking, why isn’t making effort to contact me, is he chasing other girls?

    What is really weird was that before he left he was at times being very emotionally, when he told me about the abuse I was holding him and he was crying a lot. There was a time at Christmas, and he started crying a lot too, saying that he hadn’t felt the Christmas spirit since he was a young boy but he felt it with me. Then when he left at the airport, he was crying a lot too.

    I am seriously worried that he was faking, trying to get my sympathy and I don’t know if I was breaking through or whether he was just being manipulative? Sounds harsh but I have become harsh through thsi relationship.

    • I feel much sympathy with what you’ve gone through… It looks like your boyfriend had a deep seated emotional issue. You managed to soften it a little bit, but it still needed a long time to get through.
      He’d be better with constant counselling, although many emotionally ill people even dread the idea of going there. They run and choose loneliness instead.
      If you read this belated reply, send me an update on how it’s turned out by now.

  30. Thank you so much for writing this. I feel like someone finally understands… how it is with us. Why I stay. Why I’d rather have a few hours with him than a “normal” relationship with someone I do not truly connect with. I can’t seem to say anything that isn’t trite… but thank you.

    • Bonnie, I loved how you said “Why I’d rather have a few hours with him than a “normal relationship with someone”…
      That’s the core question we’ve been trying to find out the answers to here…
      Okay, he is running away, he can’t stay, but why am I staying?..
      Great insight, Bonnie, thank you.

  31. This is so true. I fell in love with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. It sucks. I really need to be patient to him and show him that his cold treatment to me sometimes is normal for me. I can say it is really difficult. I cried a lot of tears thinking and wondering why is he not falling in love with me. It made my self-esteem come at it’s lowest point.
    What happened is, I decided to not meet him for like a week. Suddenly, I didn’t noticed that it’s been 10 days.
    We decided to meet again. This time.. I think he is starting to fall in love with me. He is sweeter this time. He laughs most of the time. I caught him looking at me..the feeling is priceless!
    My advice is to be patient at him and decide if you can really give him unconditional love and lowering your expectation of loving you in return. LOVE comes when you LEAST EXPECT it! :D

    • It is a lovely insight, Maricar! We always expect people to love us in some certain ways – ways we were templated to believe the love should be. Emotionally unavailable gives hard school, but actually teaches us something. Once we stop expecting to get love and care from everyone we cared to love, they may start returning the care in some unexpected ways.
      Don’t be quick to judge, observe instead. Many ’emotionally unavailable’ simply need more time than normal to start feeling safe and comfortable around their new partner in order to open up, or to make sure that their feelings won’t be hurt. Most of these people are insecure inside. So emotional unavailability is used to keep them on the ‘neutral’ safe side.

  32. HELLO I just wanted to say thank you so much for doing this for me and many others. At the beginning of the break up I felt like I would never love again and that my life has ended. Thanks to all your advice, I now have the courage to face every new day. My heart has healed tremendously and I feel like I can now really move on. If it wasn’t for your words then I would probably still be in that dark place of my life. Thank you, thank you!”drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com

    • I’m so happy the posts and others comments and stories shared here helped you and brought some emotional relief, hopefully!
      Stay well and all the best!

  33. This is the best article I’ve read about emotionally unavailable men, so far. Very good advice. I am currently casually dating an emotionally unavailable man (he has been open about it) and I’ve decided to back off as I know my relationship with this man is not going anywhere.
    Thank you for this article.

  34. Thank you so much for the insight. I was in a bit of a funk today over my emo unavailable guy. ..this article really helped me..thanks.
    I have been with my guy for almost a year. He started slow and has continued the pattern of only contact once a week or so. We were together 2 weekends ago and were drinking and he really opened up about liking me…and his exes. He said don’t push me or I will go the other way…and I said have I ever..and he said not once. He did say he would get married again. The last girlfriend hurt him pretty bad and he talked to me bout that…I was on cloud 9. Then…well…as many of you know…he got distant. Nothing from him…so I text him happy valentines day and he replied..you too my love…then nothing for a week. He said sorry he has been very busy (aren’t they all). I told him not to apologize for the man he is…and if that is his way of protecting himself..I understand. Nothing.
    When we are together…we rock…so much communication…kisses…cuddles…what not. But when we aren’t I hardly hear from him. It hurts because I do miss him. He does work a lot and has his son every Sat/Sun.
    It kills me because he is my dream guy…could be my best bud…but he won’t drop his guard fully to let me in. We are awesome together and have so many common interests and bond like no other…WHEN we are together.
    I don’t know if he will give in. We have broken it off 5 times…each time he has returned. He won’t commit but he won’t let go.

    • Things are going so much better. He is really dropping his guard. I am so happy. I really feel good things are happening for us. We have been together almost a year but the past month, things have been amazing!!
      We are seeing each other more and are a lot more open. The chemistry is amazing.

      • I’m so happy to hear that things have turned out positively for you too. Apparently, he just needed time and your wise soft patience won!
        I’m curious though how it’s turned out further by now.
        If you like, let me know

  35. Thank you so much Sophia,
    I was in a relationship with a emo unavailable man for 6 years… he is now 40 and I am 30. We were long distance for about 2.5 years, I moved to find a better job in his state and we became exclusive. Unfortunately, my roommate situation wasnt working, and I would have had to go back home, he didnt want me to so he told me to come stay with him… I did so, but just as quick as he wanted me there he wanted me to find a place to live !! After I told him I thought it was best if I just went back, he changed his tune. I stayed for about 8 months because I ended up losing my job and was in the process of another, in the meantime, had some personal family issues. I went home for a month, he wondered if i would come back, I did but soon told him I had to make a decision, I needed to leave because the job i got was processing too long, I ran out of money, and I didnt want to depend on him. He told me I could stay if I wanted to… he never asked me to stay because he loved me. Soon after, he was asking when I would come back and I told him I have to get everything under control at a job here that I know I could transfer if I wanted to, but I realized I wanted to live with him, not move to his state again and start all over alone. We agreed to keep the relationship going until last year. I went to visit him, the second to last day, we took a small trip… he was in deep thought and told me “i was thinking about this girl i dated awhile ago, she left but I never tried to get in touch with her… if i could do things over I would have…”! I felt like he stabbed my heart. I kept my cool and continued our short trip knowing I was going to need to have “the talk”. And when I did, I got so many excuses, he let me cry in the bathroom and did nothing… I slept on the extra sofa that night, did not cuddle with him, tell him i loved him before bed nothing. The next morning, I was cold to him, I put on a happy face because I didnt want to show him how heartbroken I was. He asked if I still wanted to go antiquing as if nothing happened…I said no, lets just go back to your house and wait to take me to the airport. I cried and told him this might be the last time I ever see you again, I told him I loved him more than anything, kissed him a few times… asked if he would come to see me (he couldnt give me answer) and left. (I wasnt going to break up with him, just emotionally detach myself and start seeing other men.) He later insinuated he was going to move in the right direction. I got new kittens and he sent me a cat condo… then he told me 4 weeks later “im not usually the one delivering the news, im the one receiving it, but i think we have to take a break. I need space and time to think about what I want. I dont want our breakup to be permanent and i dont think that it will be. He kept telling me not to wait around for him because he doesnt know when he will be able to clear his mind.
    Ever since, he still continues to run hot and cold. Not telling me how he feels about me unless im the one initiating things… he said he wanted to be friends and keep in touch because he didnt want our breakup to be permanent, so I said okay. He then ran cold for months, I recently confronted him about what he said and he told me he didnt remember, as he did with everything else. I asked if he wanted to rekindle our relationship, he said not right now, I am content with my life, im happy being alone. I asked okay so then this is permanent, he said forever? i said yes and he said well i wouldnt say forever because you never know… i said okay because im trying to figure out if i can still be friends with you, or keep in touch… there are qualities about you that make me want to keep you in my life, but im trying to figure out, at what cost. He said we would need to discuss it further. I texted him saying im sorry but i need to do whats best for me, he said he would call me within the coming week, and never did… when i told him i missed him and spending time with him, he didnt say anything…
    i miss him everyday… he said he couldnt imagine his life without me and that he never met anyone like me, so i am finding it hard to understand why he just wont change, if he ever will.. and what can i do? Im ready to tell him i ust cant do this right now

  36. let me add, we never had any kind of arguments, always had fun, he was my best friend – he was there for every situation that came up, except for ours….

  37. My ex met me and I knew this all would happen subconciencly and tried to get away but he bumped into my friend and said I have tower this women in anpanicked voice bcausse earlier I wanted nothing to do with him . We had been going through these same a you all scenarios but he ignores my emails and I wheny mind is relaxed suddenly send him an email just a line. He still ignores me but every time I ignore him he will turn up . At theoment I plan to not email at all . See how o go as when I don’t email out of the blue I subconciencely do then just drop the idea that I’m
    Silly for doing so .

  38. He said toy friend in a panicked voice , ” I have to see her again , you have to help me ” …. Bloody he’ll been hard but as least I can push him
    Out of my thoughts now . Before I would think I was so stupid because I couldn’t stopy thoughts of him daily and through dreams . Sophia you have done an amazing thing in this blog as no one else online searched answer were as helpful . You are doing such a greT service to all going through this .
    But I have to say to others keep searching for answers it’s hard but they will come and then you will love them while letting go and you’ll find peace in your hearts . Xxxx

  39. I cant believe that I am in this kind of situation right now. I am suppose to be waiting for that special someone to come, reserved myself for a years now, then suddenly i met someone Mr. Emotionally unavailable. By now I can say that I am not yet falling but I know myself very well, a little more time and I might totally fall inlove with him. :’(
    This article is amazing. This made me think what i should do to make everything better.

  40. Well…the good news is…he has continued to become more open. We were in contact only once a week. Now he is calling and texting every other day. He started to show he cared about my feelings and he didn’t want me to be mad over something silly. Yep…I have fallen. His caring, nurturing side peeked out. But the problem now is…he hardly sees me. I have seen him 2x in 2 months.
    Yes he makes excuses….but he is a very active Father. His son is very active in sports and stays pretty busy with that. But…I can’t help but feel we could have more time together…after a year….if he would have me around family and friends. I do know a few friends know of me.
    But this article is amazing. Everyonr says to leave them…and yes I have..we have. 5 times in a year…HE comes back. It is draining and confusing…because we could be so amazing together.
    I just wanted to give you an update. I need to refer to this from time to time because it is hard. But this article gives me hope :)

    • I just saw this your update of May.
      It’s even normal this way, after he got much closer and you slipped in a couple, he’d still be taking things slow.
      Will need more time. Just keep going with the flow, I see things go good for you, so he may eventually get somewhere bigger. But this all of course needs endlessss patience and “not pushing” him.
      They are sensitive to expectations at any stage…

  41. Thanks you for this blog. I was dating in stubborn unavailable man. I was myself, sweet independent and busy. He confessed making love to me and 2 days later hebroke up with me. he truly had feeelings for me but he is so scared and insecure. after that he didn’t want to lose me and wanted to be friends. i got so confused that i told him goodbye. but i have seen the beautiful guy in there struggling with himself. he never tried to get mw back. i told him i wanted dating nothing less..
    i do want him in my life hoping he will open up again. we didn’t speak for 2 months and ignored him on the street. how do i get him to open up again? Will he come back looking for me? Am i the first to contact him?

  42. Amazing and well written…I am right smack in the middle of such a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man…I have spent the last year reading self help books trying to figure him out…..I fell head over heels in love the first night I met him…and i knew just from that alone it was going to be a bumpy ride….well it’s been all of that and more…I tend to look deeply into things and do not like giving up and putting labels on people and situations…that has proven to be both a blessing and a curse in my life…but emotionally unavailable stands out like a sore thumb….but I can see the wounded boy inside and no matter how many times I have tried to walk away from him…he always manages to reel me back in…..so I guess I’m going with the theory that there is some purpose for this..and I’m in it for as long as it takes…..

  43. I love this article, helps me feel better about my situation. How long should you wait for Mr. Unavailable? I was with him for 3 years, I wanted our relationship to progress in some way since we were both in the same exact position when we started dating, and he kept saying he’s not ready?? Yet he would tell me that he is already committed to me? He also never told me he loved me, but when I asked him he said he did, he just wasn’t good at telling his feelings? Does this sound like a Mr. Unavailable? He was engaged before me and called of the wedding a few days before because she was too controlling…

  44. Great article, great comments. I just started looking into this topic – I am an EUW who only falls for EUM. I am in my 40s so this is beyond pathetic. I don’t attract healthy men so I am not sure I would fall for one honestly; I have no experience with them. I’ve never had a “real” relationship although I have a lot to offer – but I also have been afraid of finding a good man and then will just hurt him over and over because I am so messed up. This is partly why I likely have unconsciously avoided some opportunities. Are we actually jerks/bad people/players etc…. or just damaged? (In my experience I thought the men just wanted a lot of play from willing females and were good at manipulating women, now I am not so sure)
    Mostly I want to know – do EUMs/EUWs ever improve? “Change” might be too intense of a term. Some guys of my past seem to fit the EUM mold to a T with me ONLY….but somehow become the perfect loving open man to the next woman (and then usually marry.) I would love insight on that, cant find anything on that. And overall do they get better, not just with me necessarily. Can you be EUM right now – like after a divorce – but then go back to being healthy ?
    I didn’t have a love relationship for over 10 years…I decided to wait until I had a “real” one. Guess what? Never happened. I also didn’t proactively pursue, never have. (such as online dating or such). I have always lived and enjoyed my life as *my* life so I didn’t feel the need to spend a lot of my time chasing a relationship. I was under the dumb belief it would just happen. It takes a lot of energy to commit to finding one per all my gfs who were desperate to marry.
    I am in a EUM relationship right now. I cant believe it AGAIN. Oh, to be clear, it isn’t a real relationship, I don’t know what it is but I am soooo addicted. part of me think he’s a great guy who is EUM right now, due to his separation from his wife headed to definite divorce. The way he speaks of the commitment to his wife and how heartbroken he is makes me think it is timing right now. He knows though he is a broken adult and has many close warm loving long term friendships. Ppl think highly of him and he has many wonderful traits.
    As far as me/us…. I am 15 years older than him and we had a casual online “friendship”… I was unemployed and bored a lot with free time so we started a texting exchange. anyway, things escalated over the months, still casual, I mean I am a lot older and he is separated. I’ll skip the details, mostly I found out he is trying to hook up with a bazillion women in many different avenues yet whenever we made plans to meet an ‘emergency” always came up. The lying/deception really enraged me to the core because I believed he was messing with me for kicks only – which made me crazy upset because I let someone treat me that way and went back for more AND that I wasn’t worth 5 minutes of his time – yet he will meet a stranger for sex with three emails. And I stated plainly to him all this. Of course I am just ridiculous! But no changes.
    I told him I wanted to move on, didn’t get into details, he sounded very emotional and “talked me out of it”. That led to email fights and me telling him all sorts of personal things of deep pain and how it wasn’t him necessarily it was that he opened up deep deep wounds. It was also clear that i was DONE after proving I knew he was trollling for other chicks but rejected me constantly but actually ‘liked me’ yes indeed. He apologized profusely, took responsibility, and told me how he often feels like he isn’t worth it to anyone and how remorseful is that he ‘made me’ feel that way. all in all an emotionally close week we had, we both exposed a lot of ourselves to each other, the ugly bits that is. That same week he physically moved out of his marital home (I didn’t know that he had moved back in during the months we were text buddies only). So he is in a terrible place and here I am giving him all kinds of crap – and he lets me, and sends long emails about his feelings and how sorry he is. Meaning, maybe he really is an alright guy. (to be clear, I had no idea he had gone back to his wife. he didn’t meet me at this time. when I ‘met” him he said he was separated, living apart. he did go back for one more try per her request)
    Since I am “mature” and whatnot, I have told him I am trying to be careful since he is now separated and having trouble coping with that. I let him come to me after a couple of encouraging/available texts by me to him. I think I hold out he really isn’t a ‘jerk’. Our dynamic has changed I guess? Are we friends? fwb? When he was sure i was ‘gone’ he finally had me over and I held him and kissed him for hours…he seemed like he really needed it and enjoyed it. I made the first move and he did not try to escalate the close situation. He has always maintained he will not date for real anyone due to his current status, and I have never found facts contrary to that. We haven’t had one of our three hour long convos though in a long while. Mostly I am around but not real involved. I discovered again he is making the rounds to any woman he can because he ‘really needs a friend’ but I only hear from him for five minutes once a week now. And then the pain starts again. All this I tell him directly too and he never freaks out over that. (?) he has over 500 FB friends, why does he need to go after yet more women ‘friends’ ?
    Anyway, I am blathering. Part of me just wants to have a brief passionate affair with him (I am very sexually attracted) and another wants more of a ‘real” sincere friendship because I think he could learn from me and doesn’t seem afraid of how direct I am. ( I don’t think I can pull off a non sexual friendship with him though). I have told him though that if I am going to hurt this much because of him it better be worth it. It isn’t so far.
    Wow, I am so glad I got to write this out. It is hard to be clear what is really going on though IMO…I read this and think ‘whaa— ?” Not a real relationship but upset? Stupid me.

  45. I realised I have been dating a EUM man .I have been giving way too much for him expecting things to work but in vain. I am concerned that will I lose my original self giving too much?

  46. I am a very emotional persn who always dreamt of a romantic perfect love story. I am really hurt at times when he does not reply or does not feel like meeting me. I ignore and start afresh with a new hope. But at times I wonder till when will this continue? Also,can you please guide me as to how can I maintain my self identity ,be myself coz I do not want to be a sad soul just giving and giving.
    Can i just tell him that he is EUM? Should I confront him? I am so confused as to deal with him. I need to be true to myself then how do i fake ‘letting him go’ when I am so concerned.
    Please guide.

  47. Hi Sofia,
    I only came across this website today and although this is an topic that has being ongoing for so long, I hope that you will have the time and the heart to give me your view on my ‘situation’.
    I had my first real crush on a guy that I worked with when I was 17. The guy was 6 years older than me and came over to do his higher study. I was head over heels although I was too shy and conservative to show it. He was the typical ladies man, flirtatious, funny and got some real joy of teasing me and laughing at my innocent and shy ways. We flirted, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company immensely but although he did casually ask me to join him for a university community function and a meal once, I refused as I was busy or tired, we never really went out. I left work to concentrate on my university exams and never returned to work although I really liked the people there.
    I never saw him again and bumped into an old colleague of ours who told me he went back to his country and that his mother died in an accident where he was the driver. I felt very sad but we parted quickly and I never got his details and did not speak to him.
    The years went by and I was boarding the plane this Christmas and bumped into him in the plane! We were both amazes as we didn’t see each other for 10 years. He told me he came over for two weeks break, how well his doing in his career, how our old colleagues are married with kids, he said ‘of course, I am single’ (and of course, I saw alarm bells!!) he said ‘what about you?’. I had a connecting flight at his destination. How waited for me, said ‘why did you take so long’ I was waiting for you :)?’. He gave me his facebook details and his email and even showed me his page so I would get the right one. I kept in touch when I was back from holiday. I wasn’t expecting much but it soon developed and we were enjoying our conversations so much and he would ask after me. However, he would talk and then go quite. He said he was following me! Then said that he started to look for tickets to come down. I didn’t think it was for me so asked ‘what are your plans?’ ‘Make sure you fit me in in your busy plans?’. He eventually came over, told me the night before to ‘be ready for him ;)’ and sent me a message instantly when he arrived in the airport and asked that we meet. We met up and although had a wonderful evening, he did not attempt to kiss, hold or even touch me! It looked like his plan all along. He told me how he had his heartbroken a few years ago, how he now meets girls and sleeps with them after a week (yet, could not even afford to give me even a kiss!). I felt very upset and confused after our meeting.although we clicked as though we knew each other for years and laughed and were too loud for those around us, he kept himself at a distance. I felt maybe he did not find me attractive and deleted all our messages, unfollowed him from Facebook and kept away from him. However, he will keep away and then ask after me and I will run back to him and forget I was ever upset.
    Neither he or I opened up about how we really feel and always turn our emotions into a joke. We can get extremely flirty but will never cross the line and we both keep our affair private. I don’t know if it makes any difference but he is a gemini and I am an Aquarius. Although we follow the same religion but I am really religious and although he is not religious but seems really proud of being part of the religion and told me he wants to marry a religious girl. I can’t work him out, maybe he is just a flirt or unaware of the effect of his words, maybe as friends tell me he just likes me as a friend and no more. Weirdly, he tells me I am too quite and that I need to step my came up!
    Wanted to keep it short but couldn’t! Please reply if you can and provide any guidance? Is he eua?

  48. Hi Sofia,

    I only came across this website today and although this is an topic that has being ongoing for so long, I hope that you will have the time and the heart to give me your view on my ‘situation’.

    I had my first real crush on a guy that I worked with when I was 17. The guy was 6 years older than me and came over to do his higher study. I was head over heels although I was too shy and conservative to show it. He was the typical ladies man, flirtatious, funny and got some real joy of teasing me and laughing at my innocent and shy ways. We flirted, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company immensely but although he did casually ask me to join him for a university community function and a meal once, I refused as I was busy or tired, we never really went out. I left work to concentrate on my university exams and never returned to work although I really liked the people there.

    I never saw him again and bumped into an old colleague of ours who told me he went back to his country and that his mother died in an accident where he was the driver. I felt very sad but we parted quickly and I never got his details and did not speak to him.

    The years went by and I was boarding the plane this Christmas and bumped into him in the plane! We were both amazes as we didn’t see each other for 10 years. He told me he came over for two weeks break, how well his doing in his career, how our old colleagues are married with kids, he said ‘of course, I am single’ (and of course, I saw alarm bells!!) he said ‘what about you?’. I had a connecting flight at his destination. How waited for me, said ‘why did you take so long’ I was waiting for you :)?’. He gave me his facebook details and his email and even showed me his page so I would get the right one. I kept in touch when I was back from holiday. I wasn’t expecting much but it soon developed and we were enjoying our conversations so much and he would ask after me. However, he would talk and then go quite. I would wait for his message and then he would be back and be very chatty and flirty and ask why I am so quite. He suddenly said he was following me! Then said that he started to look for flights to come down. I didn’t think it was to see me specifically! so asked ‘what are your plans?’ ‘Make sure you fit me in in your busy plans?’. He eventually came over, told me the night before to ‘be ready for him ;)’ and sent me a message instantly when he arrived in the airport and asked that we meet. We met up and although had a wonderful evening, he did not attempt to kiss, hold or even touch me! It looked like his plan all along. He told me how he had his heartbroken a few years ago, how he now meets girls and sleeps with them after a week (yet, could not even afford to give me even a kiss!). I felt very upset and confused after our meeting.although we clicked as though we knew each other for years and laughed and were too loud for those around us, he did not attempt anything physical. I felt maybe he did not find me attractive and deleted all our messages, unfollowed him from Facebook and kept away from him. However, he will keep away and then ask after me and I will run back to him and forget I was ever upset.

    Neither he or I opened up about how we really feel and always turn our emotions into a joke. We can get extremely flirty but will never cross the line and we both keep our affair private. I don’t know if it makes any difference but he is a gemini and I am an Aquarius. Although we follow the same religion but I am really religious and although he is not religious but seems really proud of being part of the religion and told me he wants to marry a religious girl. I can’t work him out, maybe he is just a flirt or unaware of the effect of his words, maybe as friends tell me he just likes me as a friend and no more. Weirdly, he tells me I am too quite and that I need to step my came up!

    Wanted to keep it short but couldn’t! Please reply if you can and provide any guidance? Is he eum?

  49. Hi Sofia,
    This is by far the most helpful article I read about emotionally unavailable men. I’ve been talking to a guy for 1 year now and I confirmed he’s EU by letting me know early on that our relationship would be “no promises”, “friends with complications” and knowing that he runs away whenever I ask about our relationship status. All of my friends told me to run and find a proper guy because Mr. On & Off doesn’t deserve any attention. It gets frustrating when people see me as someone with low self-worth because I decided to hold on to Mr. EU. The thing is.. I am EU myself. I am attracted to this man because there is no pressure to be in a relationship. I feel we are healing each other from our burnt past. Because of him I now know I am still capable of love. He is changing too though at a much slower pace. He now knows how to say sorry after a fight (when a few months back he will just disappear into oblivion). I also felt he became a bit caring and there is a somewhat glimmer about our future. The funny thing is, he is getting confused about his actions, too. (Have you experienced this stage?)
    Yes, we make each other happy and it feels like our souls connect but there came a point when I wanted more. I wanted promises, emotional security and to be called his girlfriend. Love changed me.
    Will love change him? I don’t know. What I know is that he will still disappear from time to time and he will not call me his significant other. I also know that I cannot demand anything from him because we are not in a relationship. And I cannot tell him how I feel because he will run to the nearest exit door. Loving an EU is very painful and for a million times I thought about letting go.. including now :)
    (Please advise Sofia)

  50. I have been on and off with eum man for almost a year, a very emotional year. Yes, this sounds ironic. I met him at a very bad time in my life, my marriage of 15 years had come to an end and I was very insecure. But even through all of my heartache and pain back then, I knew that the eum man was someone I was supposed to be with in some way. He did the typical coming on strong and then retreating at full speed. I pulled and he pushed and we repeated the scenario for months. I have small children and he is 10 years my senior and we come from different backgrounds…… It cannot get any more challenging right?
    As I have begun to heal from my own pains and I have done much, much research on the eum’s, I have gotten stronger through knowledge. I realized that I had the power the entire time. I am an empath and he is my twin flame. Once my mind was strong enough to control my heart and I was determined to say goodbye, he came around. Ironically, I asked him to let ME go this time. He has expressed his love and is genuinely trying to get closer by communicating with me every day, in his own way, but nonetheless. He expresses affection and I can literally feel the shift. I’m very hopeful and very positive but although I was in agony, I was going to let him go, leaving the ball in his court. Flip the script! But only because I knew deep down that he loved me. I will keep you posted. Thank you Sofia, your blog has been an enlightenment.
    Ms. Positive Love
    July 2014

  51. Beautiful post Sofia, it resonates in me and makes me cry. I have kept it on my desktop for 6 weeks now and secretly read it back and forth, like the sound of a wave it comforts and nurtures my wounded soul. I still have hope, despite trying to move on and living for myself and my other commitments. After trying to eradicate this love, reading books on how to let go, the no contact rule, I have now come to the conclusion to embrace this love, to live with it from the amazing memories and let go of my other bad habits and distractions and work on myself… My story is very similar to all of the aforementioned above. It’s about falling in love and loving unconditionally an EUM, giving, listening to, not judging but encouraging and caring without always receiving and always remaining positive, bouncing back no matter what, holding onto the other stable beauties life has to offer. Although I have always allowed him to go, as I believe this has shown my strength and true love, what I hadn’t anticipated was the fact that I was facing a mirror of myself… Whenever we broke up, I would not confront my own issues, flaws and setbacks… I feared loneliness, living with me, my lack of self esteem and self worth and always had to feel validated by a man that initially would be my band aid, my quick fix until he returned. What I selfishly didn’t realise is that I was hurting others in the process. This EUM unconsciously made me realise my own journey since my marriage fell apart 7 years ago and my many relationships henceforth. My self protection in withholding feelings and yet my need to feel attractive and seduced and keeping options open. What made me realise true love is wanting the end of this back and forth and wanting more out of the relationship but both of us having to work through our issues and trust in the love we have. As of late, I was the one to let go of him. I felt we both needed to break this pattern and deal with our own issues in order to fully be complete once and for all. In keeping apart and respecting our own space I feel he hopefully will realise as I do that I actually don’t want to live without him and want more out of the relationship… But I felt I needed to set boundaries and the only way of setting these was to let go of him… If he doesn’t realise that he cannot live without me, that our issues are hindering us from being together, that he is in love with me and it isn’t just casual love, that we have a true and deep connection not only as lovers but as friends, then we were never meant to be. I will close that door and will savour the memories, embrace them and finally move on. The beauty in all of this is that all this time I was looking through the glass, giving advice when in fact he was the mirror of my own fears… We would both withhold feelings in self preservation and only let go and abandon ourselves through intimacy, silence and behind closed doors. In a crowd, we would charm, we would look at each other and know we would be there for one another… You speak of fleeting and volatile moments. Indeed, I was living off these spurts, spasms and bursts of life which leave you with imprints and incredible memories that make life worth living for. In three and a half years of back and forth it was becoming a pattern that wouldn’t be able to be sustained. I knew he would come back maybe not the first time but thereafter…. Only this last time, it was me who found the courage to leave him as I wanted more commitment, stability and felt an inner voice telling me that it was time for me to let him go in order for him to deal with his issues…. To give each other space to feel the absence and really want to be together for the better and for the children involved. Since letting him go, I have shed many many tears, released my fears, got closer to friends and family and bounced back and felt empowered in doing so. I still live in hope that he will return stronger and ready.
    Thank you Sofia for sharing and giving the opportunity for us to express our love and experience with the EUM.
    Sending warmth to all and positive thoughts.

  52. I’m amazed, I have to admit. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s both
    educative and interesting, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head.
    The issue is something that not enough people are speaking intelligently about.

    Now i’m very happy I came across this during my hunt for something concerning this.

  53. I’ve come back to this post several times over the last few years. Having read hundreds of sources on EU in general, I think this is the only piece that has ever accurately described what it feels like to be EU.

    I am an EUW. My trust issues and unwillingness to commit have made it almost impossible for me to have any kind of romantic relationship. I generally panic and cut bait at the third or fourth date (when I realize I’ll have to make a potentially long term commitment if I want to keep seeing them).

    I’m not sure how to overcome my fear and distrust. But I am trying to be more self aware about who I am.

    Thank you for your post. It may not have all the solutions, but it gives me great peace of mind knowing someone understands.

  54. Thank you for this. I don’t feel as stupid for holding on. And I have a little hope now after about 50 pages of no hope <3

    • Don’t be too hard on yourself, we’ve all been there…I’ve been reading an awesome book called, “The Untethered Soul” that may give you some comfort and depending on how you are with your ex/boyfriend it certainly would be a excellent read for him too…
      Love and Light♥

  55. This is has been a very informative post indeed, I was seeing an EUM about 3 years ago and at the time of meeting him I didn’t want a relationship as I was emotionally unavailable myself, anyway I didn’t realise that there was a term for people like this, I just thought he had been badly hurt in the past from a previous relationship and was determined to bring down my walls to show him how a real loving relationship should be. Reading this has been a real eye-opener, in my case I had to withdraw all contact for a whole year and man did I miss him. I used to smell his CD’s like a crazy nutcase just to breathe in his scent and write texts that I never sent. In the end, I took charge of my life and enrolled into university when I hit 31 and decided to relocate to another part of the country to begin afresh. But I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to the guy that gave me some amazing memories and an awesome connection. So after no contact, due to the constant mind-fuck that an EUM brings to any relationship, I had to claw back some self-dignity and respect again. I started looking after myself; buying nice clothes, shaping my future and getting ready for uni; catching up with friends and eliminating those that were just as damaging as the EUM. In simple words I started to take back stock of my life and then went round to see him to say a final goodbye. The difference was like night and day. He was the same of course, but all of a sudden it was he that was lavishing me with compliments and holding me close; sex was on his agenda but I refused and we settled into this beautiful warm cocoon of laughter and hugs and reminiscing over old times like friends. I knew then that whatever the boy did, I would always have a soft spot just for him, despite the previous years of pain and unhappiness there is still a part of me that gravitates towards him like a moth to a light bulb. So guys and gals, I don’t really think that any advice online can teach us much more than we already know about the disease of being unavailable. We can’t change them, shape them, love them too much or too little. They are who they are just like a thumb print or DNA. I’m happy that I got to see him before I left and the following afternoon when we finally unwrapped ourselves from each other he invited me in for lunch with his family but I made my excuses and left. Everyone is different but I believe that If you’re reading this for advice on how to capture an EUM’s heart you will be disappointed as we just have to learn to accept these people for who they are; warts and all. Take it and be a doormat or get your life together and stop wasting tears on someone that will possibly never change. Be grateful for the memories and a special love that you both shared but accept there is no stability or real future that can come of this. Don’t save him, he doesn’t want to be saved. Don’t give so much that you’ve lost the very essence of who you are. Stop trying to push the door that clearly says pull. Move on. Because quite frankly if you’re reading this, you know it’s your only option of sanity and a real meaningful relationship. I will still see my EUM in the future I’m sure; I will return in 3 years time and he will be in the same ripped jeans and loveable boots that I left him in and we will no doubt laugh and talk and drink until the small hours once more, and that I will be grateful. But in the meantime I can’t wait until I meet someone that will feel the same as I feel for him without apology, drama and suffering.

    • Thanks Daisy for your reply to this post, you nailed exactly what I’ve been through with my EUM…hot then cold, close then distant. I’ve finally had to cut ties I feel like I’m going mad…like you he will always carry a soft spot in my heart but for right now I need distance and balance in my life. I know its finally over because it ended badly and words were spoken which has never happened in the past…I can’t take the emotional roller coaster these men put a woman through…all my insecurities come right to the surface which is so not the woman I am….I mean we all have insecurities but I’m pretty good at keeping them at bay when my emotional needs are being met.
      You are so right you can’t fix these broken individuals something happened in childhood and he developed this as a coping mechanism…his Mom suffered with depression.
      I feel sad and a little depressed because he had a way of making like it was my fault…I’m too emotional which is so not the case, I just like you can’t deal with the mind fuk any longer.
      Thanks again

  56. Interesting reading………..I think that I am emotional unavailable, scared of getting hurt really………but I have recently fallen for someone who makes me weak at the knees ….he is also I thnk largely EUM as had a nasty divorce ….but does real love conquer all……..it’s all there in the body language ….every sign mirroring – tick – eyebrow raise – tick etc etc …….he stares at me – eye to eye contact is intense, he is playing push / pull at the moment as i do need to give him a bit more to go on……..I think…..but if you really fall for someone – and i know this is rare does that not make the EMU man / woman want to get so close that they will overcome their fears……………I know I’m getting to that point.

    • Lenore everything I have read tells me “Love does not conquer all” you may want to get a couple of books on the subject “He’s Afraid She’s Afraid” by Steven Carter “Why men Can’t Love” also by Steven Carter. Depending on how well you know him it could be he is just afraid of getting hurt because of a ugly divorce,but why is he getting a divorce maybe his wife needs more than he is able to give, keep getting to know him and don’t be afraid of asking the hard questions and be able to read between the lines….some of these men are damaged in their formative years infancy to 6 years old and their trust issues are imprinted on their brains like their thumb print and DNA, meaning they will never change. Sadly these men crave the intimacy but are equally afraid of it too…the push pull is quite common going MIA for weeks at time is also common, these men fear losing control and can’t handle their feelings. You also man want to google attachment disorders, love avoidance, seductive with holding and love addict….
      Hope this helps, be careful these men can drive you mad because they also have a tendency to blame you and not be accountable for their actions.

      • Love doesn’t conquer all. Speaking personally I do think that walls can come down and love does shine through when you are EUM yourself, but if you’re waiting for someone else to return your feelings don’t hold your breath. Like Diane says, EUM feel a need to stay in control of their feelings, so love for them is something they might think they want but are too afraid to carry it through for fear of getting hurt, or they’re just not prepared to invest in a relationship again. Put simply, you’ll be waiting forever. I know from experience that meeting another like-minded EU is similar to a mirror being held up reflecting your own thoughts and fears like kindred spirits, so the immediate connection between you two is instant. When I was EU myself I fell for the EUM, typical isn’t it that that should happen. Or is it just a handy coincidence because I was scared of getting hurt and subconsciously I knew he couldn’t hurt me? My friendly advice for anyone in the same situation is to Stop Chasing The Sun. Walk away before you find yourself addicted to finding the answers online like most of us on here. The answers won’t be found. Not the answer anyone wants to hear anyway. You ultimately hold the key to your own happiness and future, so if I were you I would be out chasing that instead.

  57. Dearest Sofia:
    I do a lot of reading about emotionally unavailable men, love addiction and your blog is, by far, my favorite. You are the best! I posted about 6 months ago and I am “happy” to report that I am still with the same EU man. He has gotten “better”. He says I love you out loud and makes frequent gestures of affection, even gave me the key to his house. WOW! But there is always a sort of emptiness there. Something you can’t quite put your finger on. You’re always climbing to some extent…… We have had problems, arguments, I suspected fowl play at one moment but could not get any evidence. I left it to the fact that he makes me feel insecure and my failed marriage does too. He’s, as most of these men are, very private and cautious with his phone/i pad, but then again, I am too. I’m not cautious but I am some what private. I feel like I have to protect my self, guard my life somewhat because WHAT IF…… Im scared to invest, to go completely public. I haven’t been divorced too long and I have young children, which he hasn’t met. I’m very protective of them from any man. Here’s the twister: Even though there are many challenges other than him being EU, like age, background, lifestyles, I care deeply for him and can see the beauty. I have seen it. Don’t know how daily life would be, we have weekends, moments…of course. But I think that’s good, my children live with me. Maybe this is how he and I are supposed to be and that’s why we will last forever……ahhhhh. If you have any advice, words of wisdom, please share. Any advice on how to communicate best with these kinds of men. Thank you again, your blog is exceptional.

    • Thank you, Adrian. I hear what you are saying.. Emotionally unavailable type of men prefer to keep some demarcation line in relationships and vigilantly guard their personal territory – e.g. their Facebook, their phone and social contacts.
      I’ve even seen the type of cases, who prefer to keep their girlfriends off their social network activities, and out of their leisure friends circle…
      There is a clear borderline between the time for them and the time for her.
      But that only has to do with how much he is ready to get real about you in his life and let you close in it.
      Men of emotionally unavailable type like a lot of social/online contact, which is necessary for their psychological comfort, while responsibilities are not.
      That’s why they are often so vague talking about the future, or about your relationship.

      The only advice with emo unavailable type that will last is trust what you see /your hunch, trust his actions and not what he says, and have no expectations.
      Maybe things will turn out great with time! But it’s always better to be on safe side – do not expect anything, and expect everything ) And trust how it makes you feel in general – are you happy, or are you not?.

      • Thank you SOFIA…. Its a strategy game with these sneaky guys. In general, he makes me happy. “Maybe things will turn out great with time!” I’ll just keep repeating: Rome wasn’t built in a day. This and I may hire a private investigator!!! Kidding.
        My warmest thanks.

  58. Thank you very much for such a wonderful article, very eye opening and empathetic. It gave me a great insight about the man I was dating and what is required of me if I want to hold on this karmic relationship.
    As karmic as it started, I felt an incredible pull toward this man eventhough I knew it would not work – him living in a different country, his busy social and business life, his responsibility for his children, travelling excessively. Long story short, he has no place for me in his real life. Whenever I talk about wanting more, he pulls away but told me that he liked me and relationship takes time to build. I finally got my answers when I went to visit him and he was being honest about not wanting a commitment. It shouldn’t have but it hurt me. He was doing everything – sweet talking, hand kissing, even lying to keep me hanging around without the attachment. He would be a great occasional lover but a terrible life partner. And the thing is I know what I want and I’m not settling for less. I am sad that we are over on one hand, on the other hand I’m glad he got away because all I would get is a selfish, emotional abusive and distant man who would never put me first or makes me feel safe and secure.
    However this relationship gave me wonderful insights about myself, about what I want and what I allow myself to have. And I think I have touched his soul on a level he hasn’t been before, giving him love and affection. We have given and received. And it comes to an end eventhough I wanted it to last. I am willing to release the sadness and resentment. I forgive him and send him my blessings. God knows he’ll need it for his journey of finding and healing himself.


  59. Dear Sofia! Glad to be there! So much information, useful and straight to the heart! I am angry, still confused, and don’t know what to do. Does he will change? Do I change and will be fulfilled in our relationships?! We are married for 12 years, have children. Some years ago I recognize, that there are something that worries me. My husband is so poetic, romantic, overlay me with beautiful words, I did not know that is possible to meet a man like him – how special, the one, etc I am. But. I found out that he is emotionally cheating on me, and not once. The most shocking was the style of letters that he wrote to those women – I never know what he feels inside – but he shared those emotions with another women, not me. Yes I was suspicious, as there are some misunderstanding – from one point he is telling me how special I am, but from another – he won’t listen me, I feel that I am boring him, I am not interesting person to speak with for him, he deny my wishes or thoughts. Still after those affairs he keeps telling that everything is just perfect with us, that I worry too much, that we just have to live further. he never told why he did that. When I trying to speak about it, he just don’t answer as adult, but try to argue, that I am doing the same, but its lies, I never imagine to write or flirt to someone else – telling how beautiful, special he is, writing letters for months. But he do. He love to be in phone, in social networks, happy when gets hundred likes or retweets. Its funny that sometimes, when I want to know what is in his mind, I look in twitter. After all those treats, I found myself being emotionally unavailable for him -as I don’t believe him, I feel, that I hiding my emotions, try to look happy, try to tell myself, that (maybe) its over for him.

    • Hello,
      it looks like your husband indulges in all those online interactions for sort of emitional entertainment and the way to “save himself” from routine. It probably gives him a feeling of being popular, noticed and more alive. He may still value you as a longterm partner, but, in any case, online “affairs” is a sign of emotional immaturity and “undergraduate” personality.
      If such behavior offends your feelings, you should openly state this to him.

  60. Hello,
    I like your blog, as mostly I have only found oppinons of experts advising to get the run when one get’s involved with an emo unavailable. I am glad there is some hope in the end.
    I have been writing with a guy from overseas now since 2 years who was looking for a friendship right from the beginning. He has a few friends online, mainly female ones. Unfortunately I have fallen for him totally, considering his pics and his thoughts. He never got more interested in me, and I made the mistake after a few months of writing that I told him about my deeper feelings towards him. He stood me up, still asking if the friendship kind of connection would be useful for me, as he didn’t want to make me any hopes for more. When he realized that I reacted somehow disappointed and insulted, but in the end agreed with this connection, he told me about having written with a female friend for understanding the female aspects on his issues he still had from his last relationship. Then he developed affection for that penpal friend, but after a year she moved to an old study friend of hers and their communication ended. He told me that in times of affection he had been contacting her often, even phoning with her and they had nearly met each other. It felt so cruel to me that to me he kept writing after a whole couple of days. Since that I am making him believe I really only want to be friends too. Last Christmas when I sent him a card and some Austrian chocolates he wrote a mail and sent a flirt to me for the first time. I didn’t take it seriously so I didn’t return it to him. He often philosphies with me, also about topics of love and friendship where he stated that a friendship can turn into any kind of significant relationship. He meant that a friendship that wouldn’t last, would also not last as a serious relationship.
    But since a longer time now he has made the gaps between our mails bigger. I am thinking he is losing more and more interest. I want to make a very big gap too, maybe in a time he will least expect this from my side. I hope he would start missing me. But, I am not sure if he will, or if he only sees me as a “post-card” friendship. Although he has depressions at times, he always mails in a very freindly way, always wishing for me to be happy. This shows me that he has good intentions actually.

  61. This is so crazy… My bf and I just broke up.. For the 3rd time due to his emo unavailability… He grew up in a home without outward expressions of love, no hugs, no I love you, very mechanical parenting. He then got married to a woman who was abusive, thinking about she was probably lashing out due to frustration brought on by his emotional unavailability, which of course doesn’t make it right because she became down right cruel (she had issues of her own) I’m the first caring loving adult relationship hes been in and it scares the shit out of him. Everytime we get closer he breaks up with me, he also suffers from severe anxiety. From the minute we met though we had this intense connection and even more electric sexual chemistry, he said he felt super comfortable around me and felt he could be himself which he has never been able to do. We finish each others sentences and we say things at the same time we’re just very connected (I always say were on the same wave length). Even though we’re broken up at the moment we never seem to be able to stay away from each other… Its like it physically hurts, and in talking to him his anxiety and general outlook on life gets worse when we are apart. We talk often and even have plans to see a movie tomorrow, honestly its like we are dating without the title. I feel bad for him, he says hes falling in love with me but not there yet, and Ill admit i pushed him more than I should have. Everyone says I should just forget about him, but how do you write off someone who you feel so connected too? He says I’m the only person who has ever made him feel loved and supported. When we are together he is so sweet and lovey and when he is anxious or stress its crazy how fast he can turn into this cold distant other person. With my help he has gotten on medication and started therapy however even with that we still broke up. I guess I’m hoping hes who I spend my life with.

    • Hi Maddie….you just explained exactly what it was like with my emotionally unavailable man, to a tee. We had that same connection, undeniable sexual chemistry, when we hugged it was like our souls were home, you just can’t fake that kind of chemistry, I’ve never felt anything like it. He too suffered with anxiety and I think depression however he would never admit it…his mother has depression. He grew up in like you said, in mechanical love a depressed mother and EU father. We met over 10 years ago and from the moment I met him I felt home…he however fought against the feelings because they were so uncomfortable for him….we would have great time together but he often would have fits of anxiety when apart (the fighting of feelings and how good it was IMO) He would often tell me we shouldn’t see each only fall back into it, I would push for more and he would back away. Sadly and not so sadly things came to a blow last fall where things were said and we no longer have contact…I know its for the best for the both of us because I know I deserve more than what he is capable of…he simply wasn’t prepared for me….if you want to chat more my email is dianebateman.smile@gmail.com

  62. Dear Sofia,
    Almost 3 years after your post, it has still come in handy! God bless the internet! I am in love with an EU! Last weekend, I surprised my now ex- boyfriend at his place, only to find that there was a girl he had cheated with. We’ve only been dating 3 months. I was so heart- broken, we finally had the ‘de-brief’ conversation and he told me that having grown up with only his mother (he was a result of an affair; his father lied to his mother, that he would leave his wife for her) and also having been an alcoholic and drug abuser (he’s 10 years sober), and after having been heart-broken and lost property and 3 sober years of his life because of over- compromising with an ex:- (he left his life in Vegas and moved back to Africa as a result on it) he had decided on never ever compromising for anyone in a relationship again, become jaded, never to allow anyone in and also decided to live his life as ‘abnormal’; i.e. living on little, cutting off family, rarely speaking to his mother and father and also getting engrossed in his code- he’s a developer.

    He says that cheating was regrettable/robotic, “a spur in the moment thing” because I am the best thing that ever happened to him! That having met me, the fear of finally opening up to someone after many “superficial, flirtatious meaningless relationships” over-whelmed him. That he isn’t ready to open up yet and that he knows he’ll regret not opening up to me and even ever meeting someone as good as me. I however told him that if he truly loved me, he would turn his fears around as I would never hurt him, that having managed to stay sober all these years, such “matters of the heart” would surely be a piece of cake to him. However, he said that he made a conscious decision to hide away from normal life and structure his life so that he would not let himself love anyone so much that he would consider compromising. That the fact that it feels so real to love me, that feeling of vulnerability makes him run even further away and that he would rather he has meaningless relationships he can easily walk away from. That it was too painful for him to keep trying not to. And that even though he isn’t ready to change, I gave him an incredible wake-up call into the consequences of his decision.

    He swears to me that he still loves me, but that at this point in time, he’s too jaded and that he absolutely does not deserve me and would rather I move on.

    I find it so conflicting. he had to self- sabotage us by cheating just so he would convince himself he can’t be ready to open up at this time!? He’s 33 and I’m 25 and told him that even though I love him with all of me, I simply can’t settle and be miserable with him now. I love him so much but how can life be so unfair? How is it possible for someone to claim to want to equal that genuine love you show them but they just can’t? Will he ever break down those walls? Can I help him? How/Why is it he gives up on trying harder? How could he claim he still loves me? My heart tells me he’s the one. Any comments are welcome.

  63. I have not read through every single comment left on this article, but cannot help wondering if anyone who was ever involved with an emotionally Unavailable, manage to have a turnaround on their relationship – where they are now blissfully happy – and not still riding the emotional roller coaster.

    • I personally have not..I think their wounds are so deeply bedded in their subconscious they don’t even realize it’s them….the guy I was involved with blamed me for being overly emotional, which looking back I was probably was because he could never open up and be sincerely honest…the constant push pull drove me to be a little emotionally unbalanced. ** Barbara you should probably take some time and read through the comments you may find them very helpful if your involved with someone displaying this kind of behaviour

      • I’m happy you are still glimpsing back here from time to time, ladies! I’m always interested to hear your new insights and how things went over time. The emotionally unavailable that was in my concern didn’t change much over a span of years, which helped us become good distant acquaintances and move over. But I’ve done more research and meditation on the subject haha.. with new findings to share. Which I will gladly talk about in the soon upcoming post :)
        I have a newfound curiousity to write on this subject yet again. Hugs to all, and stay great! °\○/°

  64. Hi,
    It’s a Sunday afternoon and I feel the need to pour my heart out…funny how the universe ensured I ended up onto this site that, explained exactly what I’m feeling. For that a sincere and heartfelt thank you to you all and most of all to Sofia- who has been kind enough to shed some wisdom on a topic I had no clue even existed.

    First things first I’m 41 a meditator , successful , a mother , and unhappily married. Just this year I asked the universe to send me what I needed, and that was a man with whom I could share a surreal connection with. Met him I did and within 1 hour of talking we were completing each others sentences. He’s unhappily married too.

    We have at least 20 things , people, places and situations in life in common and just get along. I see him in my meditation and just feel like I need to help him. For all his successes he’s low on self esteem, trust and connection. Initially our connection was unbelievable ..talking , not being able to get enough of each other. Then we took it a step further to the bedroom ( both of us have asexual spouses). After that he started distancing himself.. Telling me he’s found what he’s been looking for but is scared as hell with what to do with it. Broken plans , long silences later I decided to call it off…he couldn’t take it and neither could I. His response was that ‘I could so easily ruin him’
    We are venturing into several different businesses together only because it seems the right thing to do….we have qualities and attributes that complement each others. However , I love my work and pride myself in it ..he is extremely professional too. But I am afraid that our personal issues will hurt our professional aspects. Most of all I wish to know should this step be taken.?

    We have discussed just working with each other and nothing else…..but the physical is what we enjoy too….I’m thoroughly confused and haven’t felt this ever!!! No relationship has ever run from me …I’m the open , romantic type…and he loves the validation. He’s also vocal about his possessiveness and doesn’t want me to have this kind of proximity with anyone else.

    When I first saw him I felt like …I needed to please him and put his needs above my own. We are both not interested in leaving our marriages…. But I would like more of him..just don’t know how to get it.

    Please advise.

    • Thank you, Nikki for a great input, I definitely understand what you are going through.
      First of all, if you continue seeing each other, or keep connecting online, the spouses may eventually come to know about it. There’s just too much energy around this thing that makes it difficult to hide itself forever. My say is when such a person appears in our life, that is the time to re-evaluate our marriage, and list all the good and not-so reasons why we are staying there for.
      Lover will come to make a woman/man have a closer look at their wife or husband, and with it also re-evaluate their life.
      That’s definitely a crossroad here, time to ask oneself am I truly happy, and what would I eventually like to do of my life next, if I wasn’t bound with guilt, obligation, habit, long time knowing someone etc.
      I observed through years how women or men in unhappy marriages meet someone who creates magnetic field, actually working as a catalyst just to help the other redirect their life into a different direction… and then they drift away, as if having completed their mission.
      I know, emotionally, it is one heck of a heck to digest, but our life purpose always works its mysterious ways through people spurring changes in it.

  65. hi! sofia your article is great.But I wish I had found it earlier so that i had not done the blunder of revealing my feelings to my EU man .Because after I told him he has stopped all communication with me now I have lost all hopes as its been more than a month and he has not spoken to me and also ignored me last time I saw him.Iam goin through hell I really love him and want him back.But I have also not contacted him because i fear he may not reply. I want to tell you i was with this man for 1 and half year.He always came back but this time has not returned.

  66. I also want to tell you that I myself is a strong believer of karma.I would love to hear your valuable advice on above.I am going through great distress period and after a long time it felt so good reading your article
    Seeing all the truth about this man also has not changed my feelings for him when he is with me i feel as I have never felt before just holding him tightly make me deeply connected to him but he never felt same and hence is gone now .Iam a emotinally strong person but this time things are different Iam just not able to heal myself. But in you I have found a ray of hope please answer.

    • Dear Som,
      thank you for a heartfelt comment! These guys always seem to appear in a woman’s life when she enters a kind of a spiritual or personal transition in her life. I believe now, meeting such man is more of like a test, to re-evaluate and pamper our self-esteem a bit, they are sort of a catalyst.
      My twinflame, or whoever he was, has been an important meet, deep emotional shaker, but also a severely emotionally unstable person with borderline personality issues.Was it painful? Yes. Was it helpful for my self-esteem in a long run – definitely so! The whole new angle of view opens up when we rip ourselves a little out of this emotional hell and our own abandonment pain, and look at this experience as a catalyst for something. Usually, a relationship with emo unavailable or personality unstable man is here to help us address our old pain issues, need for self love and self nurture, early-age issues of abandonment and need for closeness and recognition of those we love. We can definitely not hold someone who doesn’t want to be here for us. Be here for yourself, that’s who you’ll always find near.

  67. Thanks for your interesting views. It has been two years now that i met someone, very junior to me. It was a crazy emotional and physical connect, only to end in a heartbreak, because he was an emotionally unavailable guy and i am just the opposite. He had warned me that there was no forever. I was too silly in love and felt cheated when he suddenly disappeared. felt very strongly hurt and broke over a letter.. However, i felt somewhere deep down that all was not over. Alas, he was into relationships and just few months back we again met and im not sure where i stand. Kindly help. Is there any karmic connection?

    • I believe in a thing that there is no real “heavy karma” between two people that they would need to work out. But rather there is an attraction based on very similar energetic frequencies at the moment – probably, you can realize and work through some things in your life with the “help” of this person, and so can he in his way. When your “co-work” together is done, so subsides the attraction, we simply will stop being an energetic match.

  68. Here’s what I say… Stay in it long enough to see if this is a stage for them or permanent personality. Depending on the severity of their issues and how long is the defining answer whether you should invest more energy and love. I certainly am not willing to spend a lifetime being mind fucked and I was not put on this earth to be exploited. No matter what anyone says, real live does NOT act like this. LOVE softens and makes room for the one loved. I for one am holding out for AMAZING and you all shiukd as well. I just spent 1 1/2 years on this horrible circus ride and I have much sympathy for him but more for myself and staying true to what I am worth. Love to all of us willing to love unconditionally but let’s be wise and spend that precious gift wisely.

  69. I am thankful for this blog. We are ALL responsible for the choices we make. The EUM as well. I suffered many terrible things as a child but I have done and continue to do my inward work and remain open and loving even after all the abuse. I understand that perhaps they can’t see their behavior but it doesn’t sit right with me that we seem to excuse all the pain they inflict emotionally. It is wrong to do that to another. Period!! Sorry I ranted and blathered on.

    • I totally agree! No matter what early age issues excuse they may hold behind this, it is totally unacceptable to put up with their abusive behavior in relationship.
      Most of EU people have some long seated emotional and psychological issues that they are reluctant to address. If we want to support them, we may suggest to see a therapist, or do an honest self-evaluation homework. But if that’s not what they are interested in, alas, there’s not much of anything more we for them can do.
      Bearing with their neglectful behavior does not help or cure them in any way.

  70. Thank you for this post. I am currently in what I like to call a “situation-ship” with an emo unavailable man. He’s divorced 3 years now but I must admit when we met we were both in places in our life where we simply wanted a good friend. For him it is because he’s still dealing with being divorced and me dealing with not finding genuine guy since my child’s father and I broke up 4 years ago. I agreed with being friends because it took the pressure of possibly having another failed relationship off of me. I realize now that he’s not the only one that’s emo unavailable. We have built an instant connection and become close friends. With me being a single mom and him also having child as well getting together gives me that feel of a complete family I’ve been longing for, of course without commitment or title. We have become intimate as well and have developed feelings for one another I think. I just can’t bring myself to admit to any feelings other than a friendship simply because I don’t wanna face possible disappointment or rejection . This has been going on a year now and am afraid that after all the effort I put in and the patience I’ve given to allow him to take his time to work on himself and just being there as a good friend with no pressure that when he does become ready to give his heart to someone it will be for someone else. I am very guarded with my heart because I’ve been in this situation before when I decided to express my feelings I received the “I care about you too but…” and then finding out a few months later that he found someone worth marrying, it hurt me….bad. So when he tells me I’m a good woman and that I’m not going anywhere I wonder if he mean for good or until he finds someone else. So with all of that being said…your post set a clear perspective of the situation I’m in and has really given me a lot to think about. Thank you again.

    • Thank you too for sharing your story! My, I loved the word “situationship”! )
      That describes it a lot better. Well, I definitely see a connection between you too, but I am glad you are looking at things realistically. As in situationship, things develop by some rules of its own. And the tricky things, they are not fixed, so we rarely can predict what’s around the corner there next time… how the things with him can turn. My advice is, you can stop investing when you see you are already over-investing. Otherwise, just keep your space and see how it goes.

  71. After having read every comment on this blog l couldn’t help but wonder if my EUM has multiple women who feel this way about him hanging in there hopeful he may change, since its our own EU that attracts each other, wouldn’t it make sence that other women ‘love’ him too. I would go so far to guarantee that my EUM does and that he says lovely things to them too before moving on to the next ‘lover’. I know he likes the newness of the attraction as most of them do they are most in control then and have no fear and hence free to say whatever they want. l believe some love to be adored but only in the way they’re comfortable with. The reason l speak of this is to dispel any illusion of romanticising the relationship, IMO to be able to sustain this ‘connection’ you have to face the reality of it, which is very few go onto rewarding long term relationships because they’re EU. In order to maintain my ‘connection’ l have become realistic through facing these fears/insecurities and decided my lesson to learn is to love, accept and heal myself through giving love unconditionally (without rose coloured glasses on/realistic expectations) without attachment a Buddhist approach very hard to do but a freedom denied to many. I agree with some earlier comments hang in there for as long as you can handle it by gauging the balance of how happy or sad you are look inward for your lesson. As l near my own realisation l now know l can let go or hang on it makes no difference and it feels empowering. My heart goes out to the people in the early throes of this type of situation as l remember how many highs and lows l too went through before l got here, l am a year on from there and l have nothing but love and acceptance for him but not on a romantic level even though he still talks of romantic love for me, l can detach and see more clearly that l am in control of how much l invest….great post Sofia

    • Thank you too! Wow that was a great input!
      Much of what I think of right now myself. Eventually it’s just healthy to detach and learn to take as an okay whoever hangs in there for you, or not. With time, the romanticizion of this relationship wears off, and instead of focusing on him, you focus on yourself. You learn about self-love, you learn to find that inner stern that you before didn’t know you had. All these things.

      And BTW!! can’t say how much I agree on supposition that one waiting, heartsick girl is not the only one for him… I’ve learned it the hard way during my four year involvement with one.
      EUM usually text and chat with several simultaneous girls, going out with some, and also runs numerous online and emotional affairs with women. And he manages to keep them all unaware of each other. I would never believe that it’s possible, unless I saw it, and I did.
      So yes, no illusions on exclusivity anymore.

  72. I am in love with a man who has been divorced for 3 years now. We are part of a group and we hang together at all the events when we are out. He follows me around like a puppy dog and I also find myself wanting to be with him too. He flirts and acts like he likes me. 3 months ago we made out a few times, but told me he just wanted to sleep with me because he needs sex. I told him I don’t go for that, but I still made out with him a few more times. He kept waiting for me to say that I finally wanted to sleep with him. When I did say it, he told me he couldn’t do it because he would just end up hurting me and he didn’t want that because we are part of a group and we see each other in that group. However, he still follows me and wants to be around me all the time at the events we go too. He is on dating sites scouting for hookups and he is dating someone that he is sleeping with right now. He even gets jealous at the events if other men talk to me or ask me to dance. Sometimes he will leave like he is upset. This man was married for almost 30 years. He talks about his ex-wife a lot with anger and says mean things about her. It’s obvious to me and everyone that he is emotionally unavailable, yet I let myself fall in love with him and can’t seem to move on. I try to be his friend, but it’s difficult. I finally stayed away from him for two weeks and he finally figured out a way to come see me at an event. He knew I was avoiding him. I am hopelessly in love with him. Keep in mind that other than postings and likes on Facebook he does not communicate with me. How do I break through to this man? He obviously likes being with me, but will not ask me out or anything. So confused.


    • Hello Maria, thank you for your post. Is it obvious to you that you feel a lot more to him than he does to you? If it is the case, then maybe you can reconsider your feelings…
      With all that love, you are sending him energy. Is he worth it? It is up to you to decide.
      If your feelings are unmet or hurt, and knowing this, you still cannot let go, then perhaps he is “holding” with him some lesson that you need to figure out.
      It is usually a lesson of self-love, emotional management, and such.
      If only there was a magic way to make yourself unlove those guys… But there isn’t.
      So this is a healing/management work one has to do inside herself..

  73. Oh how my heart breaks.
    My husband passed away a few months ago. His best friend who was also my friend seduced me months afterwards-in my most vulnerable , lonely, needy moment. We have soooo much in common.He has me for meals a couple of times a week. We have sex that evening & then he like gets up & says lets go watch tv , it seems like he dismisses me afterwards.He doesn’t compliment me like he did in the beginning. He says he will always be there for me.He calls me EVERY night and did from the first day my husband passed. I had a feeling I wasn’t the only person he was seeing & called him on it. He didnt lie, he said he was sleeping with someone else. I was heartbroken. I left & haven’t been back but I have been talking to him in the phone. I went away for a couple of days to think things out. I will be seeing him later today. I thought I loved him & we were meant to be together. Man! Was I wrong. He is divorced, had an on again off again relationship with a lady friend that ended for good. He did tell me in the beginning he couldn’t commit but I thought I was the one who could change him. Again! Wrong!!
    I am going to be not as available to him as he would like as I can’t sleep with him again knowing he has multiple sex partners ….who knows ,right? I can’t completely cut off our friendship as the community looks up to him as an outstanding man. Btw, this fwb has been on the qt.
    please advise me! I’m 57 he’s 60. HELP!!

    • If you know this man is only going to bring you pain, and does not value your feelings, so the best way to cope is to develop an immunity to him and a control on your feelings…
      “Predator type” is seeking for an emotional reaction, so they love to pull triggers from time to time. Because when you react that’s what sends them energy. Some people should simply be better cut off or avoided, if they bring disbalance in your life, rather than helping you cope and balance.

  74. Sadly, this can apply to friendships as well (as I learned the hard way).

    I met her and was instantly drawn to her, feeling a connection I’ve never felt before. We agree to become friends and she puts up walls immediately. Our hanging out revolves around her time, her schedule, etc.
    She lies at certain points, but doesn’t want me to leave the friendship. When I contact her, she immediately replies- but doesn’t apologize- for not reaching out to me during the lapses of time when we aren’t hanging out. It’s apparent that feelings aren’t something that come natural to her. I feel off my footing the entire time. She runs hot and cold. When I communicate too much, even via ONE facebook message, it’s too much for her and she backs way off. When I’m ready to leave the friendship (which happens because I’m getting conflicting vibes from her, thinking she doesn’t really wanna be in a friendship with me) is when she reels me back in.

    The only time she really makes an effort is when I’m leaving. She admits that she’s worried I’m going to leave, but when I react in a confused manner (because she’s making no effort to get me to stay, other than reeling me back in when I’m leaving), she backs off the statement and says she’s just kidding.

    The last time I reach out to her, she replies with lies, unprompted, as to how and why she hasn’t been available to reach out to me (she’s always busy). I feel stupid, used, and emotionally exhausted- why is she involved in this, if she’s only going to lie (I now believe that she really thought she was telling the truth) and make excuses about why you can’t reach out to me- wouldn’t it just be easier to make an effort?

    She says upfront that she’s a bad friend. At first, I thought she was just being honest, but my husband disagrees. He says she’s honest about being a bad friend to absolve herself of any guilt, just in case I ever get hurt. He says she’s basically saying, “if you get hurt, you did it to yourself. I told you the rules and how the game was going to be played.” I didn’t agree until last week, when I found multiple online sources for doctors and therapist agreeing with his assertion.

    After she (white) lies and makes excuses, I feel done. I text message her, cancelling an upcoming hang-out with her and telling her to contact me when she has time for a traditional friendship, meaning she’s willing to put in any effort. Not more than twenty minute later (it could have been five minutes later, who knows) she unfriends me on Facebook without saying one word to me. A couple weeks go by and I reach out to her to let her know that if she changes her mind, I’m here. She doesn’t say a word and gives me the cold shoulder and it absolutely kills me.

    Unbeknownst to me, I have a preoccupied anxious attachment style due to “mommy issues.” I see this friend as a motherly figure and the silent treatment she’s giving me is painful rejection that manifests itself physically in pain. I ask her to reconsider her decision by October 1st (and to resume plans we had set-up before I had cancelled). Two days later, I’ve rec’d no response and feel desperate. My husband and best-friend implore me to leave this situation, stating that I’m “addicted to this type of treatment from a woman.” I gather up the remnants of my self-esteem and block my former friend and go no contact. Two weeks later, I’m still hurt and heartbroken, but I’m trudging along. On the morning of October 1st, someone resets my Facebook password and I get the notification to my e-mail. Oddly enough, this former friend is the ONLY person who knows that e-mail address, as it’s directly used to be link to my Facebook.
    It HAS to be her: it’s the day that I asked you to reconsider by and you’re the only person with that e-mail address. My husband and I agree, it’s her and she’s trying to get a hold of me, but would never stick her neck on the line for me (she was blocked on social media at this point).

    Less than a month later, and each day wondering if she’s willing to give a friendship another shot, I finally unblock her and reach out to her. That was one month ago and she’s not said ONE WORD to me. She won’t reply to my e-mail. A week after initially reaching out to her, she accidentally sends my husband a facebook friend request (this was not done on purpose, because she withdrew request and the only proof that I have is the e-mail my husband rec’d about it). So, she’s on our facebook profiles, reading my e-mail, but not saying a word to me? This woman is all about control and now I stick my neck out on the line and you stick me back in this silent treatment zone? At this point, I wish she would tell me to go away, because then at least you would acknowledge my existence. With my anxious attachment style, the silent treatment/cold shoulder is the worst form of torture. I’d much rather she “put me down” than keep me in limbo.

    One of us was always running, while the other was always chasing; when she’d catch me, she’d get comfortable and put in zero amount of effort. It made me wanna scream “why?”
    I admired this woman, put her on an emotional pedestal, and put myself down, thinking she’d never be my friend. I’ve never felt such a connection to another female before.

    It was only a few weeks ago, after having reached out to her, did I stumble upon attachment styles and emotionally unavailability and it all made sense. Finally! I wasn’t crazy! Other people felt like I did. I don’t NORMALLY act like this.

    Then, I found blogs devoted to men, where the bloggers instructed men to be emotionally unavailable because when you dole out attention, women want you more. It’s akin to the law of scarcity: a commodity is much more valuable when it’s scare, therefore, the demand for it is much, much higher.
    This former friend doled out her attention to me. She threw crumbs my way and I counted the days when we would hang-out again. She controlled everything and I adapted my personality to fit hers. I’m happily married and would have never allowed myself to be treated this way by a man.

    After some research and reading books like the Untethered Soul and works by Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle, I realize now that I have low self-esteem. Love and true friendship doesn’t feel this way, it only feels this way when our brains are hard-wired to want this type of attention. When someone leaves because you want a healthy, reciprocal friendship, there’s a problem with that and it’s theirs, not ours.

    This former friend is still leaving me in limbo. I’m sure she occasionally checks my facebook page, just to make sure that I’m there and haven’t blocked her, but this doesn’t equate to a friendship. I would have always been there for her, no matter what. So who’s losing more? Me, or her? I’m not losing out on much. She’s losing out on a true friend who would have never asked much from her.
    I couldn’t keep up the game-playing; I couldn’t keep leaving to get her attention so she could chase, only to be satisfied with the catch and leave me there, hanging, waiting for the next crumb of attention she would throw at me.

    I’ve researched and read that types like her and EUM’s have high, inflated egos that maybe truly low, therefore they need the attention of a loving human being.

    She said egotistical things like “If you want to see me, you invite ME somewhere”, “my family and friends know if you want to see me, you have to invite me out, and they’re all okay with it”, “I can be a friend to you if you don’t rush me”, and she repeated the statement, “my friends are lucky to see my 2-3x’s per year, if THEY are lucky.” I just couldn’t take it anymore.

    I get the motto of Wayne Dyer and that is to be a kind, loving soul in service of others, but how do you behave when that person is somewhat borderline narcissistic and can’t deal with emotions? She scolded me for having apologized to her, as I’m sure she thinks apologies are weak. How do you be a kind, loving soul with someone like that, who can’t feel her own emotions, without losing yours in the process?

    That is where I get lost.

    So, now, I’m researching about attachment styles and the things I did wrong. When we do things subconciously, it’s tough to see the forest from the trees. I now see the things that I did wrong and where I tried to control and manipulate her back, so this has been a learning experience…but it’s safe to say I’ve never met anyone like this EUW.
    And on paper, we’d be the best of friends. We have the same likes, interests, and families…but the lack of emotion and the one-sided nature that a relationship like this takes on, resulted in me being lost. I remember I kept confiding in my friends and loved ones, asking them “would you stay in this? Is it me?” And they’d always look at me confounded and say, “No! That isn’t a friendship!! Get out.” But I couldn’t leave. Why? Because of the connection. When was I going to find another connection like this one?
    But after reading the comments, it’s safe to say that I’m not alone on this. Many others on here, and other forums, fear losing the connection. But is the connection only there because these people dole out there attention, like a casino slot machine, and when we finally hit the emotional payoff of rec’g some- if ANY attention- from these people, then we stick around, placing more bets…but by the time we realize it, we’re out of money and the house has won and leave with bloodshot eyes and empty pockets…the house now richer for our existence, while ours is depleted and lacking.

  75. Thank you! This blog is so therapeutic. There is so much stuff out there on the internet but your advice spoke to me most.
    I am going through a very ugly divorce. My ex-husband was a very violent and abusive man, his problem with me was of subjugation. I also have a child with him who is three years old. My marriage was a short one of 5 years but have been separated for three years. Last year, a guy who had crush on me 8 years got in touch (I turned him down then) because he wanted my “relationship” advice. We re-connected after 8 years, I told him about my pending divorce and since then he started flirting with me a lot. I finally asked him out. He flew from another country to take me out. He looked great, was on time and averted his eyes every time I saw him looking at me. He fascinated me because he was so different from my ex-husband and it was the first I went out on a date with someone. I did not know anything about emotionally unavailable men or twin flame or intense dating games. My marriage was an arranged one and I was very young at the time I got married.
    When he became distant, I tried to ask him about inconsistent behaviour but he always gave me unconvincing response. I got very confused and cut him off. He came back after three months but was vey sweet this time. This puzzled me more, I don’t think he is a womaniser but I am scared of falling in love with an EUM. I sometimes wonder if it is too late.
    I have cut him off again and it has been three months, however, unlike first time I have not moved on and cannot get him out of my mind. I cannot speak about this to anyone as nobody understands. I feel the void and recently started having dreams about him. I secretly hope that we will re-connect but my pride won’t allow me to contact him first. I do plan to apologise when we do re-connect but I thought by cutting him off I will be able to get him out of my mind but it seems impossible. It has been three months and I can increasingly feel the void. His issues around trust triggered my issues from my previous relationship which is yet not legally over. I am a very stubborn and proud woman which doesn’t help either.
    I do believe he is my twin-flame but I also feel that it is unfair that universe has brought him into my life during a very vulnerable time. I am a very strong-willed woman but crave stability. This man has given me thrill, excitement and danger but now I need nourishment. I wonder if I will be ever to get him out of my mind.
    Can you give me suggestion on how to deal with this? Also, how to recognise if he is my twin flame.

  76. Sofia,

    This is by far the only post that is healing and helpful, thank you. I’ve been in love with an EUM for the past three years, and I’ve never felt so alone, lonely and empty. I’ve loved him unconditionally and wholeheartedly, and accepted him for who he is despite how he treated me all these years. Not to make excuses for him but he is extremely busy with his career and other business ventures. We never talk on the phone, we text/email a few times a week (no more than 5 words), we’ve never spent the night or weekends together, and he’s only available for lunch at my place once every other week.

    At times he’ll disappear for 4-6 weeks, then he’ll come looking for me. We fought & broke up 2 months ago and I haven’t seen him since. I’m sure there are other women he’s also seeing, but he says he has a lot of female friends (I have a feeling he disappears when he has new prospects). Anyway, just recently he emailed and asked if I’m seeing other guy (despite him being the one who broke up w/me), so I asked if he loves me? He replied saying that he does care for me, but that he doesn’t see our relationship working out.

    I’m not sure what came over me, but I had enough of it and told him it’s time for me to let go and move on, as this is a losing battle for me; there’s nothing left to hang on to, and there’s nothing left to fight for. He replied saying “Okay, well take care of yourself and keep happy and healthy.” All I wanted from him was for him to love and adore me the same. He doesn’t and I can’t change that, time to move on. I thanked him for being honest, for letting go, and I wished him nothing but love and all the best.

    Thank you for your post and to everyone that have shared your stories/comments, thank you!


  77. Sofia,

    This is by far the only post that is healing and helpful, thank you. I’ve been in love with an EUM for the past three years, and I’ve never felt so alone, lonely and empty. I’ve loved him unconditionally and wholeheartedly, and accepted him for who he is despite how he treated me all these years. Not to make excuses for him but he is extremely busy with his career and other business ventures. We never talk on the phone, we text/email a few times a week (no more than 5 words), we’ve never spent the night or weekends together, and he’s only available for lunch at my place once every other week.

    At times he’ll disappear for 4-6 weeks, then he’ll come looking for me. We fought & broke up 2 months ago and I haven’t seen him since. I’m sure there are other women he’s also seeing, but he says he has a lot of female friends (I have a feeling he disappears when he has new prospects). Anyway, just recently he emailed and asked if I’m seeing other guy (despite him being the one who broke up w/me), so I asked if he loves me? He replied saying that he does care for me, but that he doesn’t see our relationship working out.

    I’m not sure what came over me, but I had enough of it and told him it’s time for me to let go and move on, as this is a losing battle for me; there’s nothing left to hang on to, and there’s nothing left to fight for. He replied saying “Okay, well take care of yourself and keep happy and healthy.” All I wanted from him was for him to love and adore me the same. He doesn’t and I can’t change that, time to move on. I thanked him for being honest, for letting go, and I wished him nothing but love and all the best. No regrets; I learned, I grew, I healed.

    Thank you for your post and to everyone that have shared your stories/comments, thank you!


    • Keats,
      I’m wondering if he has come back. Once you let go, they sometimes rethink/regret their decision. Good luck to you, stay firm. Learn the game they play.

      • Hi Arjagged,

        No, I haven’t heard from him. He’s not coming back, but if he does; he’ll come back sweet talking/saying all the right things for sex (when it’s convenient for him) and so the vicious, unhealthy cycle will start all over again making me feel like I’m going crazy while he continues to spin my head, and he’ll say that I’m crazy and that it’s all in my head. I can’t allow for that to happen and I will not be burned again.

        Thank you for your support, I appreciate it. What helps me stay strong is that I remind myself that although I’ve loved this guy for 3 years; I was nothing more than someone he slept with when it was convenient for him. I never met his mother, his friends, he only took me out on a date once (when we met), it took him over a year to invite me to his place (for 2hrs), we don’t see each other on nights or weekends, and every time he came over for lunch, I’d cook him a gourmet meal and I treated him like a king.

        So that’s what keeps me strong and keeps me moving on; is that I remind myself of the fact that I was nothing more than someone he slept with.

        Thank you again and Merry Christmas!

  78. Hello Sofia,
    I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy, the connection is truly there and never has I doubted about his intentions throughout these 5 months that we were together. However I always felt he was not 100% in it. He didnt do anything specific to make me feel that but it was just a feeling until we once had a talk and he said that he wasnt sure he could move the relationship forward. So I decided to break up with him but it wasnt 24 hours until he called and we talked it through. We decided to give it another shot. And things were going great , but again i started doubting , especially that its been 5 months and he didnt say i love you yet. I freaked out, i started panicking when 48 hours has passed and we didnt see each other. I would start crying because instead of seeing me , he would go and see his friends. I couldnt understand how can someone not want to spend every oppurtunity with his girlfriend. I would loose my mind if few hours passed by when he wont msg me. I went crazy and he didnt help much making me feel safe. So i called and ended it very harshly. He was surprised but he said that he needed more time to figure things out. I told him he can have the time he wants but that i already took my decision. He then sent me an email saying how amazing i was , how much he liked and evthg i was longing to hear except that he added that he needs more time to figure himself out and that he cant ask me to put up with him. And that he needed more time to overcome the difficulties we encountered in the past week. I thought it was clear that it was over so when he asked to call later that night i said no. A week after that, i was feeling horrible so i reached out to him. And he told me how he was not doing ok. That he regrets his email, that he said what he said because he was mad at me. He said the break up made him ill and that he cant stop thinking about it. And that he missed me. He asked if we can talk at the end of the call. I said i dont knw because i didnt know anymore what we should or should not do. He said i miss you. And we hang up. Since then i am feeling terrible , close to depression. I feel lost and sad and alone. All my friends are telling me that i did the right thing except that deep down i am feeling so sad. I miss him so much, nothing makes sense without.no one gets me the way he does.
    I am lost and i dont know what to think anymore. Is he really unavailable emotionally? Does what he says makes him unlikely to ever commit to me? Am i asking too much? Will he ever talk to me again? Or should i?
    I am in desperate need of an objective advice . Please

  79. I’ve been waiting 5 years for my EUM to express his feelings for me. I take it and take it, feel so alone and unwanted and about every 6 months something little makes me explode. He always says the right thing and fights for us. He is a very good person, educated, dependable, but never been married (59) and never mentions where our future may go. It takes a very strong, confident person to be with these kind of personalities.

  80. Hello Sofia,
    This blog has a therapeutic effect and it is consoling despite of the harsh truth about EUM. Yes, over the 20 plus years of living with an EUM, I learned that how strong I am not only to handle alone the material responsibilities of life, but even to deal with and control my own emotions. And I begin to learn to be happy with myself and with my friends and family, rather than seeking it from a partner. I am also feeling less alone and less threatened in that relationship. In a way, I somehow develop an emotional detachment to my partner over the course of time. So, his actions couldn’t effect me much. A lesson which life itself taught me after going through the trauma alone. Can we name this EU as schizoid personality ‘disorder’ ? I can see almost all the traits of it in my husband. Also I can see a few aspects of Asperger Syndrome, such as piercing loon, occasional disconnected responses, obsessive workaholic attitude and predictable patterns, but I hesitate to name it so.
    Thanks much Sofia

  81. This Valentine’s Day weekend it will be my two year anniversary (LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP) with a 43-year-old-man (never married/no kids) who I met 4.5 years ago at a concert of all places. 4 years ago in March we met up in neutral city for long weekend and really connected. I completely fell for him and after that weekend, we lost contact but kept in touch every few months. Almost 24 months ago to the day, we commenced regular texts and he asked to meet him again in same neutral city for Valentine’s Day weekend.

    The reunion was amazing and since then we have dated long distance, texting almost every day, but once a week long we have a 1+ hour phone call. We see each other pretty regularly and we both have spent a lot of money, time and energy in traveling to see each other (45 min flight; 3.5 hour drives). I have met all of his friends and we do things with other couples in his hometown, I have a key to his house, and I have met his family as well…they even put pictures of us in their family calendar for this year.

    Having said that, my guy, who I love 1000% is an EUM. His actions are strong in that his future intentions with me with planned vacations are that we will continue to be a couple. He doesn’t compliment me, respond well to emotional comments/questions, and gets upset/starts conflict when I bring up how I feel, what I need, a possible future, etc…everything is my problem–I cause “drama,” I am “never happy,” and “he is tired of battling me.”

    I have asked to discuss a possible road map, with no specific demands on timeline, for what our future looks like together, as I can’t possibly continue long distance as is with no daily contact other than text. I am willing to move to his city, live with him or not, and he is completely lukewarm (vehemently opposed??) to this. He says I would not like not living in a Big City anymore or having to travel one more regional airplane flight for my business trips; he seems to defer any discussions on “how living together/in same city even” would impact him personally, but his actions tell me we continue to be exclusive and we even have vacation plans as far out as September.

    I just got back from a 1.5 week stay at his house and things we good on a daily basis; we do have intermittent fights which are ALWAYS about me wanting more and it just spirals..

    I am feeling lonely, miserable and want to build a partnership with daily sharing, companionship and shared goals. I feel like we are not building anything other than extensive travel memories and increased expenditures on travel. I am afraid to communicate AGAIN what I want and need a road map for OUR future.

    Is it reasonable to expect that after almost 2 years of long distance we should have a plan to be moving to same city and living together? One of his close friends in his hometown said 2 years is not that long but if his plan is to not put a ring on my finger in future I should get the hell out of dodge.

    None of my friends really like him (only few have met him) because they don’t feel he is meeting my needs but he really is a solid, dependable, reliable, trustworthy man and when it is just two, we have a lot of fun, chemistry is great, and I feel like I can be quiet with him and have this calm around him. My parents love him and think he is good for me – a nice balance between us two, if you will.

    I don’t know how to handle next steps—I am not good at conflict, or ultimatums, but not sure what to do here, as this LD cannot continue. I did ask him last weekend if he loved me (as he never has said it unless he has been drinking) and he said “Some of the time.” In the past he said “Of course I do.” I am not sure here of this situation and wondering if anyone actually has time to read my very long post (I am so sorry for that) and has any good insight.

    Great article, probably best out there. I have spent countless hours research relationship topics trying to figure out what to do, as since last April I have questioned if I should leave or not; when I threaten to he begs me not to go. I feel he loves me deep down but he won’t commit or express his feelings.

  82. It’s takes a very strong woman to be in a relationship with an EU man. He does love you and shows it by: spending with you, introducing you to family/friends & giving you the key to his house. At the moment, that’s the best and all that he’s willing to give you; which is not to say that it won’t change in the future. And to be quite truthful, you’re getting a lot more than anyone of us. Either accept it, be patient, stay strong or try to move on. You know your situation best. Follow your heart. Wishing the best!


  83. THANK YOU all so much for reading, and leaving your beautiful meaningful comments!
    I am really happy and pleasantly surprised, knowing that this article has served so many people for many years!

    I’m sorry for not being able to reply to each of the comments personally, as of now.
    I furtherly encourage you to connect and share your similar experiences and ways of having coped with and out of it.
    I am happy I wrote it here – for you.
    Endless Love,

  84. Dear Sofia!
    You are so perfect in describing whats going on in their heads!! I want to share my story. We already are 15 years together. Three kids, one very small. And only for last years now I can say that I am confused about whats going on and I feel that there is big WRONG something.
    I am very patient woman. The beginning of our relationship was so special – he give me the feeling that Ia am so ‘the one’, so many words about how special I am that at this moment I could not believe that I am so, never anybody was so romantic with me- the words were too big and poetic, but I believed that he sees in me the only love, the special one. I have to mention that he is the poet, singer. The first confused story was when the second kid was small – he starts to chat with ex in very romantic manner. I found it out and first saw that something is not clear there. Still I am the special, but he need to look for somebody… But it was long time ago, I believed to him.
    The last story , maybe love story was when I was pregnant with our last kid. He goes in his trip, there was not problem for him that was left only two weeks till the baby must come. And he felt in love with some woman. Explaining that he never has such feelings before. I ask to stop, I ask to choose. He says that will stay with me, but again and again with periods he continue to write her. In first time when I ask to stop he was so upset that is hurting me. Now he continue doing it without any blame. He never wanted to be physically , only emotionally connected with her. Now when the tree years are passed he still writes her – loving letters. She dont want to be with him, and as he explains – he just need this connection, he continue writing, she continued not to answer, and just now I see how egoistic and paintful it is. I know this woman, we had a conversation about their emotional affair, she wrote me once, year ago and apologies. As he dont want to leave me, he love kids, he still say that I will be the special anyway and he loves me in some way. he want that I am the second?? always be the family partner?? What dod he wants? As this woman said to him that she never will hurt me. So he wrote to her knowing that he is very safe that nothing will happen… And he actually is sure that he is not hurting me, I can explain in many ways how he destroys us, but he dont want to hear that.
    The last more than five years while he is quite popular in the country, he seeks for constant attention – for thousands in followers in social network, for appreciations from women, always in any case in society he is so perfect, so nice, so funny, so the main person in conversation. And so not nice in our loving family seeking/ writing in our house while I am beside him – letters to another woman. Calls her. Meets her in her work place, as they have some projects together.
    During those years I was wating when he will ‘come back’, will realise how family and two people loving care and attention will make us happy again. But now I understand that it will never happen. I can be nice, I can be loving, I can be silent or demanding – he will not stop doing this attention seeking from others!

  85. Dear Sofia, I had been pretty much emotionally unavailable myself but a few months ago I met someone who I thought was truly my soulmate, and guess what, an emotionally unavailable man. I realized that I had fallen for him, hard. I never confronted him or fought him, all I ever gave him were signs of affection, sweetness and possibly some mixed messages too resulted from my own EU issues and insecurities. Even after all the mixed messages I got from him, I still have hope that he does have strong feelings for me. I guess my biggest frustration is that he never gave me the chance and time to be with him – does an EU man give his woman a chance if they have the least feelings for her? Or even if he has feelings, could he just run away because of fear??.. I understand he could be keeping the distance for his protection but I can’t help but wonder if he is just not into me? After 2 weeks of not hearing from him I had no choice but accept that he might never try to see me again. And of course I know reaching out to him would just push him further away. My question is, how long do I wait until I can fully give up my hope and move on so I can start living a happy life again.. Will he ever come back to my life? Thank you for your insight and I know you are absolutely spot on because everything you described in your article fits my own descriptions. I thought I was doing fine being emotionally unavailable and didn’t need to change a bit until I met this person, who I wanted to have something real with, for the first time in my life.

  86. You explained my situation to a tee even down to you being slight EUA yourself. Its very painful when dealing with this kind of person. My guy and I ended things 1 1/2 years ago, after 10 years of a merry go round and him using my heart as his personal playground with my consent. It’s been hard because I’ve never felt for anyone like I did with him not just the physical but the mental and that feeling like we’d known each before ( soulmate, twin flame maybe) I miss having in my life at some level but I know deep down it’s for the best he has issues from his childhood and I think he suffers silently with depression and anxiety. I still think of him all the time and wish him love and peace. My life has gone on, I’m single and will most likely stay this way until such a time where the universe may bless me with another soulmate connection;)
    Take Care it gets better, because you deserve better.

  87. Hi, I just found this post online and I could use a little advice about a guy I’m seeing (let’s call him Sam)…
    It’s going to be long, so I appreciate the people who stick with me ’till the end ;)

    First let me give you a little context:
    – I used to be emotionally unavailable myself for about 2 years or more, because i got really hurt by some other guy. I’ll spare you the details, but there was lying and cheating involved. .
    – He’s kinda emotionally unavailable because 5 years ago he ended a very toxic relationship of 5 years (3 in an actual relationship and 2 dragging it on because this woman didn’t want anyone to know she was still with him while she was sleeping with others), resulting in a depression, because that woman mainipulated, lied and cheated on him. This has resulted in him being scared of relationships, which is only logical I presume.

    Now, my story:
    – About a year ago me (let’s call me Laura) and him (Sam) met. We had an istant click with each other, although we both weren’t interested in a relationship. We aknowledged our ‘feelings’ from the start, but it was too early for the both of us.

    – We couldn’t stop seeing each other, so we decided to see each other in secret and to still be able to see other people, on the condition that we’d tell each other everything if something happened with someone else. I did exactly that, while he didn’t see anyone other than me. I had told him every time i kissed someone else. Then, one day, I told him a guy i had some tension with came over and we fell asleep together in bed. Nothing happened, not even a kiss, we were both fully clothed, so no worries there. I could still see that he was hurt because this other guy came over. That was the first time I saw him caring about me seeing other people. So we talked.

    – After 6 months of seeing each other in secret, seeing other people as well and not knowing where it’d go, we decided to start ‘dating’. This was a huge step for the both of us. We continued the way we were, but i saw improvements from his side, such little things, but they are improvements. He gave me a gift just at random, whenever I need something and he knows about it, he goes out to get it for me. We go on dates and he tells his friends about me and that we’re dating. He’s asked me to go on a trip with him and his friends as well as going to the beach for a weekend by ourselves. He’s nice, but he’s also closed off, for example he doesn’t want to hold hands in public, because ‘what if anyone he knows can see us?’ (this is true and not an excuse to keep me under the radar, i’ve verified it, in a city where people definitely don’t know us he’s very playful and does hold my hand), he does tell me that he’s scared of relationships and he’s not ready and he tells me he’s not sure yet.

    – We are still at this point and while I do believe he’s making an effort and he does really like me, i can’t help but ask myself ‘we’ve known each other for a year, if he’s not in love and it hasn’t happened yet, will it ever happen?’. I feel like I’m going to start falling in love soon and I don’t want to end up as broken as after the last guy I dated. So my question to you is: do I get out or do I stay in?

  88. Hi , I am currently with a Commitment phobe, EUM… We have been together for nearly 5 months but I am very aware that every time he feels he is getting to close to me, he pulls back. We only snog during sex but not at any other times, however he does ask for pecks quite frequently. He often compares me to woman he dated in his 20’s. I sometimes wonder if this was the woman who broke his heart? His way of showing he cares is not by words but by helping me fix my home. He believes in action not words! He can not function fully down below, but he is still sexually active with me. The inter course side is very quick but uses other ways to stimulate our sex life. I am not looking marriage or to liveat. with him so u guess this suits him to the ground. He sometimes acts more vunerabless then I do, that is when he is showing his caring side. We were really close over the weekend couply & he was helping me fix up my place. He even mentioned about buying slippers but then said ” I didn’the just in case you may think I am trying to move in here” The next morning as we were cuddling in bed, he said to me that I was talking in my sleep, BTW he has said this to me in the pass too. He then said ” yes you was telling me that you love me” I giggled and said “oh really” I know he is testing me but I truly am not in love. However I really do like him a lot! I am taking each day as it comes. In the pass I analysed our relationship too much & it caused to much friction.

    • Dearest Leia,
      I hear you, I hear you!!! That man is terrified inside, insecure. Everything with these men is a test, everything they say, they ask. Time, lots of time to gain our trust enough (maybe) to believe most of what you say. It’s just in their nature to disbelieve because sometimes, they lie a lot. I have been in a relationship with a similar man for 3 years. I cant even believe it…..He too shows love with actions-fixing my home, taking me out on nice dates. Affection comes in drops but will increase with time. Mirror him, if you can. Don’t give more than he does-stay at his level, his guard is always up. Patience is key and this will determine whether you truly care to wait or not. Working together on projects is very good. I wish you well on this journey, they are very broken souls-they are not all bad guys. It takes them a while to let you in, a long while could be. No pressure, no attachments is what gives them peace. Even though they crave the connection far more than we do, most of the time.

      • Thanks for amazing insight, Arjagged!
        Thank you, ladies, for sharing your thouggts here on this one.
        Yes, the key with EUM is patience, detachment, no expectations. The question is how long and what for are you ready to wait. This one everybody should deside for herself individually. Usually we wait for no good reasons. EUM change either with aging (sometimes not), or with therapy (also wouldn’t bet on this one a lot as they subbotage it along the way), or with his own determination for a girl with whom he will really fall in love and will be ready to asdress stuff. Although a lot of times EUM is in love really, and even tries to hang there, but then he usually bails out anyway.
        Longing for love and being deeply frightened to get stuck in it is a psychological/personality disorder that needs addressing from beholder and work.

  89. I met my EU in July of this year and here were fireworks immediately. We went home from the bar together, we were both fresh out of our failed marriages. I am also a bit EU due to my issues in my marriage and childhood. He was very open emotionally with me right away letting me know he was emotionally unavailable, that he didn’t love himself enough to love someone else, he often self proclaims as a loser. He had a very bad childhood and has never had a good relationship with his Father. Of course I see a beautiful soul and not the negatives he sees. But he has gone hot and cold on me a few times now and most recently he came back on super hot and was doing and saying all of the right things. He even stopped last Friday to meet my son which he has been adamant about not being ready for. I truly feel like he really cares for me and was starting to fall for me a bit and now he has vanished into thin air. A friend of mine saw him with another woman on Saturday night which I honestly can’t be that upset about because we aren’t in a committed relationship, but he has avoided me since and hasn’t returned a call or text since he said he would call me on Saturday, which he never did. I have been trying to be patient with him and understand that neither of us are ready for a committed relationship, but I am also very upset that he would put in all the effort he did including meeting my son only to act like I don’t even exist anymore. He told me he doesn’t want to have sex with me because all of his relationships have been about sex and he wanted more with me, so he would often come over and just cuddle with me all night. I gave him the opportunity to tell me what was going on and didn’t get a response. I had my friend call from her number and he answered, then I tried calling from my number and he didn’t answer, so I know he is avoiding me. Maybe because he knows my friend saw him with another woman, maybe because he was starting to fall for me and it scared him. He has told me before that I scare him because of how he feels for me and that I’m different than the others. I texted him and told him if he couldn’t have the decency to not leave me hanging then he shouldn’t contact me anymore. He hasn’t responded. But I’m not sure I’m ready to write him off either because I know we had a deep connection. So do I leave it as it is and wait to see if he comes back, or do I reach out and let him know there’s no hard feelings and I would like to remain friends and hopefully still see each other sometimes, even if it is just as friends? What do I do? I don’t want to come across desperate, but I also don’t want to push him away if he cares for me? Help please!

    • I am no expert but this sounds very familiar. If I had to guess, he likes you and thats why he went as far as to meet your son. He was curious to check out his own feelings in that scenario with you. Try to remember all that he old you about himself at the beginning, its usually the guideline for what you should expect. Hot and Cold is their game, its what they do. FEAR is the reason but you cannot fix him, he has to want it. My advice, blow some cold wind his way-ignore him. He may come back and then you’ll see for yourself if that’s his pattern. These guys can be a puzzle but not impossible to figure out. Again, I don’t know him and if he’s going out with other women, regardless of the reason, its not a good feeling and not a good thing in general. Best of luck. BTW: Rubberband Effect, look it up

      • Update, he reached out and let me know that “he guesses he could never be what I needed, that if he was around my son more he would love him and he doesn’t want to take the risk of leaving him confused someday if it doesn’t work out (past relationship issues) and that he just really doesn’t want to go down that road and he’s no good for us because he doesn’t want that sort of relationship”. I took a few hours to think about how to respond and simply said “I never asked you for a relationship and I didn’t ask you to meet my son. I appreciate you letting me know and wish you the best”. Curiously he responded almost immediately with something about us still being friends hopefully but that he just can’t be what I needed right now”. I waited a couple hours to reply again and said “again with the what you think I need you to be? I haven’t ever thought we were anything more than friends anyways, I don’t have you on some pedestal and I don’t have expectations for you other than to do what you say you’re going to do or be accountable and let me know when things change, or don’t say you’re going to do it at all. I am NOT ready for a relationship and I’m not ready to have my son around anyone”. So far no response. I don’t know if it’s because he was truly trying to “friend zone” me and let me know he isn’t emotionally/physically attracted to me anymore or maybe he’s more interested in someone else but wants to keep me on the back burner? I have decided that no matter what I am not chasing him. My time without my son starts this evening for a week while he’s with his Dad, so we will see if he contacts me to hang out like he has been lately while my son is at his dad’s for the week. I think l will also be too busy to hang out the first couple times just to remind him I’m not at his beck and call and I do have a life outside of him. What does everyone think?

        • Great idea… these guys crawl into their hole if they sense anger, hostility, passion coming from us. He’s reading your answers repeatedly, I’d say. Trying to read you…. Be very nice but act like you’re good with or without. Soon you will see his patterns more clearly. Good Luck and if you see him, HAVE FUN
          ENJOY THE MOMENT, they love that motto

  90. Great idea… these guys crawl into their hole if they sense anger, hostility, passion coming from us. He’s reading your answers repeatedly, I’d say. Trying to read you…. Be very nice but act like you’re good with or without. Soon you will see his patterns more clearly. Good Luck and if you see him, HAVE FUN
    ENJOY THE MOMENT, they love that motto

  91. I actually made things worse by arguing with him & tell him that very every time we spent a lot of time together he tends to go into the pull away pattern. He told me that i was acting insecure – Bipolar & just wanted to start another argument. Oh and this is the reason he doesn’t like relationships.He has also told me that he will talk next week to me when I calm down.Mind games with them never stop yet they say that women play games not them. The ego of them! Why do we fall for these arrogant men?

    • I haven’t heard from mine since he asked if we could still be friends and I responded that we could. I tried contacting him twice this weekend with no reply either time. I have deleted his number (although it doesn’t much matter because it’s easy to remember) and I have decided I can’t put my heart on his line anymore because he simply doesn’t appreciate it or respect it. I am very sad and lonely but he isn’t the answer. Good luck ladies, these guys don’t make it easy.

  92. I have recently met a very special guy, who is, yes, emotionally unavailable. His mother left him when he was 3 years old, shortly after his brother suffered brain damage from a vaccine. So he lost his brother and mother within the same year. Throughout his life he has very managed to form any kind of emotional attachments and feels the need to run away as soon as he feels it happening. We have been dating for about 3 months and it has been very challenging. This article has totally summed it up. When we are together its amazing, and he is very physically affectionate and loving and thoughtful. But the rest of the time he is cold, has a big wall up that I can’t get through. I never know when I will hear from him, and I have to do all the chasing. When I chase him to meet, he always says yes, and we have a great time. He isn’t a womanizer at all, and I am sure he hasn’t slept with anyone since he met me. I recently confronted him as I was upset one day, and I fear that it has pushed him further away. I am a very warm and loving person and have always needed constant reassurance of how the other person feels. I obviously don’t get this from him which upsets me alot of the time, but I am slowly getting used to his way. He shows me how he feels in silly ways, but never vocally. I just always wonder if it will ever be enough and if I can handle the constant uncertainty that I feel in the pit of my stomach. Do I stick it out with him or run a mile?

    • Its a long and slow journey my friend…… DO YOU HAVE THE TIME to invest? Uphill btw. These men are broken but as men usually are, they seek no help and time goes by and all the bad habits have set in. Good luck. I am almost at the end of a three year rollercoaster-bittersweet is how i can best describe it.

  93. I have been with an emotionally unavailable man for 6 months and he has left me twice, the last time a week ago. His reason for leaving is that he is feeling uncomfortable as his feelings developed. I am crazy about him, have been since I met him. We are in every way amazing together, apart from this one huge issue. He isn’t a womanizer at all, he was very faithful to me, and thoughtful and attentive. Never treated me badly, just very hot and cold and unable to express himself or get in touch with his emotions. Then he suddenly freaks and leaves. He had a very traumatic childhood, his mother left him as a toddler and his brother died 6 months before that. Then a year later his dog was run over in front to him and died too. I think since then he learned to switch off his feelings and sees intimacy and attachment as a huge threat. I love him very much and I’m positive he feels the same and I really want him back. Any suggestions on what I should do? The first time he left me, I let him be for a month and he came back slowly. This time I don’t know if I should let him be again, or renegotiate a different arrangement that will make him more comfortable. Thanks!

  94. Is it still possible to be friends with EUM? I was with one for 2 years, it was almost perfect because I didn’t want any commitment either. We became really close and I started fell for him so we tried to be in a relationship which I think it eventually scared him and he broke up with me just after an amazing trip together. I kind of saw this coming since he told me before he has commitment issues and we never talked about feelings. but I was still very confused when he broke up with me (he just said he doesn’t want to keep me hanging and I deserve the best) so I replied him that I realize that he is not who I am looking for and wish him good luck in the future. All of that was via messages and we didn’t contact each other at all for about 6 months now and I am feeling much better and had moved on with my life, but still feel there was no closure in a way of what exactly happened (what triggered the breakup). I don’t want him back but I think I still care about him and sometimes wondering how he is doing. He was really affectionate and good to me and he was there for me when my mom passed away. So I am wondering if it’s possible at all to be friend with him. Shall I reach out and contact him?

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